Disorganized Attachment: Understanding the Push-Pull of Love and Fear
By: Dr. Denise Renye
As we continue our journey into attachment styles, I want to remind you that these are patterns, not permanent labels. How we relate to others varies depending on how much work we’ve done on ourselves, things we’ve experienced, and the other person’s actions and reactions. Attachment is like a dance. It’s fluid, ever-changing. Healing attachment wounds isn’t as simple as finding a new “dance partner” because, like with all psychological wounds, what’s required is time, patience, and devotion to the self you want to become and the relationship you desire to create.
As an online sex therapist and depth psychotherapist practicing in Marin County, I can say the most complex and painful attachment style is disorganized attachment, also called “fearful avoidant.” This style combines elements of both anxious and avoidant attachment. People with disorganized attachment may intensely crave closeness while simultaneously fearing it, creating internal conflict and unpredictable behaviors.
One minute, they might say, “I love you, you’re the one,” and the next say, “This isn’t working. I think we should break up.” They pull the other person in closer and then push them away. This push-pull dynamic can make relationships feel confusing, emotionally intense, and difficult to navigate, both for the person with disorganized attachment and for their partners.
How Disorganized Attachment Develops
The disorganized attachment style is rooted in early experiences of caregivers being both a source of comfort and fear all at once. For instance, the caregiver may have been an alcoholic or may have worked very long hours. While sober, they were warm, attentive, and comforted their child. However, when drunk, the caregiver may have been abusive, erratic, or neglectful. Neglect is a key element of the childhood of those with disorganized attachment. For the child (and then the adult), they long to be held, but the moment someone comes close, they feel the urge to escape because they’re scared of harm. They want connection but part of them is terrified of it.
These early experiences leave a deep imprint on the nervous system and sense of self. They are traumatic. Dr. Janina Fisher, a renowned trauma specialist and psychologist, says, "Trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body." Trauma is not something that is only past tense because its evidence shows up in the present, both somatically and relationally.
For someone with disorganized attachment, doing inner child work is essential for healing, as it helps the person acknowledge, nurture, and reparent the parts of themselves that were left anxious, fearful, or unsafe in childhood.
What Disorganized Attachment Feels Like
Let’s dig a little more deeply into what disorganized attachment feels like for the person who has lived it. In childhood, connection was comforting as well as scary. That means the person has a deep longing for intimacy, but that’s paired with a strong fear of vulnerability because if they’re vulnerable, they’re “exposed.” It’s like an animal offering up its soft underbelly. Will the animal be met with gentle strokes or a kick in the stomach? For someone with disorganized attachment, they assume the latter and protect themselves accordingly.
This protection mechanism manifests as difficulty trusting their own perceptions of safety and love. Someone with disorganized attachment will doubt their partner’s intentions or feel unsure when a relationship is actually secure. This can lead to heightened anxiety, confusion, and a tendency to misinterpret neutral or even positive actions as potential threats.
The person may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, even in safe relationships, because in essence, they are hypervigilant. They may feel hyper-aware, tense, and uncertain about how their words or actions will be received. Even when a partner is loving and consistent, someone with disorganized attachment may anticipate rejection or conflict, making it hard to fully relax or trust the connection.
As an online sex therapist, I’m sharing what it’s like for someone who has disorganized attachment because I want to cultivate empathy and compassion. It’s very difficult to have this attachment style because the person isn’t settled inside. And while this can be true for all the insecure attachment types, for those with disorganized attachment, this can manifest as using escapism to cope with the intense push-pull they feel.
Escapism can be more literal (traveling a lot) or behavioral or process-oriented. The person may scroll their phone excessively, overeat, drink, use other drugs, or seek attention outside the relationship, including infidelity. These behaviors provide temporary relief from anxiety and overwhelm, but they can also interfere with building trust and emotional connection over time. These folx don’t inherently know that feelings are not facts and that feelings will wax and wane.
Strengths of People with Disorganized Attachment
I’ve mentioned the challenges of having disorganized attachment, which, again, is not a permanent, fixed label, but there are positives with this style as well. Someone with this attachment style is often deeply intuitive, sensitive, and perceptive. They are attuned to changes in people and can bring that attunement into relationships once they learn to trust their own instincts.
People with disorganized attachment can bring depth, passion, and authenticity to relationships because they are in touch with how they feel. They are also resilient due to surviving difficult circumstances.
The strengths of someone with disorganized attachment grow if they choose to work on healing themselves. If they take that path, they often bring a heightened sensitivity to the needs and emotions of their partner, fostering intimacy and trust in ways they may not have been able to before.
If they seek healing and commit to their own evolution, people with disorganized attachment can become profound partners who value honesty and vulnerability. With consistent relational safety, they often develop the capacity to navigate conflict calmly, communicate openly, and sustain emotionally fulfilling relationships.
Pathways Toward Healing Disorganized Attachment
Healing is possible no matter what your attachment style. And for someone with disorganized attachment, that means building awareness of triggers and learning to pause before reacting. This includes learning to separate the past from the present – in other words, recognizing when fears are old survival strategies or in-the-moment threats. This also means developing self-soothing practices to regulate the nervous system, such as breathwork or yoga or going for long walks and being in nature.
Something that is particularly helpful for those with disorganized attachment is therapy that is trauma-informed, such as EMDR, or uses attachment-focused approaches. Long-term therapy with a consistent clinician is often key to healing disorganized attachment. Working long-term with the same therapist over time provides a secure, reliable relationship that can model safety and attunement. This continuity allows old patterns to be repaired and new ways of relating to develop, supporting the growth of earned secure attachment.
Outside of therapy, what helps heal disorganized attachment is cultivating relationships with people who are consistent, patient, and trustworthy. This includes slowly tolerating intimacy and connection without panic or withdrawal. Specifically, it means gradually learning to stay present even when feelings of fear, vulnerability, or anxiety arise. Over time, the person can experience closeness without automatically pulling away or acting out, allowing the nervous system to register safety. This gradual process helps build confidence in relationships and strengthens the capacity for secure, stable bonds.
Healing disorganized attachment takes time, but it is absolutely possible. And as patterns shift, people with this attachment style often find themselves capable of both deeper love and greater stability in relationships. If you feel ready to explore this work and want support along the way, I invite you to reach out for an appointment.