What It’s Like to Date Someone with Disorganized Attachment

By: Dr. Denise Renye

As I previously mentioned, disorganized attachment can be the most challenging attachment style, but it also offers profound opportunities for growth and healing. That’s true not only for the person who has it, but also for the people who have a relationship with that person. Keep in mind, though, attachment styles are not fixed. They are like a river that swells and shrinks depending on circumstances. At times, people may lean more anxious, at others, more avoidant or secure. With dedication and devotion, however, people can shift their attachment style into what’s called earned secure attachment (more on that in a future blog).

We’ve discussed what disorganized attachment feels like for the person who has it, but how does it show up in relationships? What’s it like for the people who love them? In a word: confusing.

What the Relationship is Like

Because someone with disorganized attachment both craves closeness and fears it, their behavior is unpredictable. Sometimes they may be sweet, attentive, and then other times they may be cold and withdrawn. The other person never knows what version they’ll get. An “I miss you text” may be met with gushing: “I miss you too! Can’t wait to see you!” But it also may be met with silence. For the partner, there may be a feeling of walking on eggshells because they have no idea what version they’ll get. “Did I say something wrong? Was that too much?”

Dating someone with disorganized attachment may cause the partner to constantly second-guess themselves, their words, actions, or intentions, wondering if they triggered their partner’s fear or withdrawal. Because the partner is sometimes close, they may start playing “detective.” They may start to analyze previous text messages or conversations, looking for clues that set their partner off. The dynamic is emotionally intense because it’s inconsistent.

Recurring emotions when dating someone with disorganized attachment may be fear, frustration, and confusion. Fear that they’ll pull away. Frustration that no matter what you do, you can’t get them to stay present. And confusion because sometimes the person with disorganized attachment is present and available. The inner refrain may be, “What happened? How can I get the relationship back to something we both are happy with?” If the withdrawal happens frequently enough, the person may start to think, “They don’t really love me. There must be something wrong with me,” when in truth, it’s that the person with disorganized attachment is scared.

Again, due to childhood wounds, the person with disorganized attachment learned that closeness is something to be feared because caregivers provided both comfort and fear. The person is primed for wanting to be held, but as soon as someone gets too close, internally (and not consciously), they say, “No! Go away! You’re too close! And if you don’t go away, then I will!”

Relationships don’t feel safe for someone with disorganized attachment, or for the person dating them. Due to the person’s fear, the person with disorganized attachment not only runs away when the other person gets too close, but they may also say to their partner. “Do you still care about me?” When the partner responds in the affirmative, the person with disorganized attachment may suddenly withdraw, cancel plans, or act distant, as if the closeness itself feels threatening or unsafe. They may even sabotage the relationship because they don’t believe it will last anyway. “Might as well end it now before I get too hurt,” they may think.

These thoughts and actions come from a place of wounding because the person likely hasn’t addressed the experiences that shaped them. They likely haven’t sat with their scared inner child and said, “I see you. I’m here with you. You’re not alone.” The person with disorganized attachment is instead reacting to life. They may struggle to regulate their nervous system – often feeling flooded, panicked, or numb – and thus are acting in ways to keep themselves safe.

They may idealize their partner, live in a fantasy world, but then, when they’re confronted with reality, devalue their partner and bolt. This is why it’s not uncommon for someone with disorganized attachment to plan romantic getaways but struggle with day-to-day intimacy, like responding to a vulnerable text message. The fantasy, projection, and performance of intimacy are much easier and safer than the messy reality.

For the partner, they are often baffled. “You can plan a trip to Napa Valley, but when I tell you I had a hard day at work and want support, you’re suddenly too busy?” When you consider the person wants closeness and is terrified of it at the same time, the answer becomes clear, it’s a resounding “yes.”

Disorganized Attachment isn’t All Bad

It can be very difficult to have a relationship with someone who has disorganized attachment but as an online sex therapist, I also want to cultivate empathy and compassion. They aren’t doing these behaviors intentionally – they’re embedded deep within their psyche. With healing, their patterns can change and they can become great partners.

People with disorganized attachment are often deeply intuitive, sensitive, and perceptive, which they bring into relationships. They know how to connect deeply (once that feels safe) and are able to bond with their partner. They often bring a heightened sensitivity to their partner’s needs and emotions and can thus foster true intimacy.

With consistent relational safety, people with disorganized attachment often develop the capacity to navigate conflict calmly, communicate openly, and sustain emotionally fulfilling relationships. But that’s only if they seek healing.

Healing Disorganized Attachment

As I mentioned in the beginning, attachment styles aren’t fixed and that means healing is possible for anyone, if that’s what they desire. It does require dedication to inner work, such as self-awareness and developing self-soothing practices to regulate the nervous system, such as breathwork, yoga, or going for long walks and being in nature.

And because people with disorganized attachment often come from trauma backgrounds, trauma-informed therapy such as EMDR, or attachment-focused approaches are very helpful. In addition, working long-term with the same skilled therapist over time provides a secure, reliable relationship that can model safety and attunement. This continuity allows old patterns to be repaired and new ways of relating to develop, supporting the growth of earned secure attachment.

To heal disorganized attachment and have healthy relationships, people with disorganized attachment need to slowly tolerate intimacy and connection without panic or withdrawal. That means gradually learning to stay present even when feelings of fear, vulnerability, or anxiety arise. This helps to regulate the nervous system and rewire the brain and body so closeness no longer registers as a threat.

It can be very painful to date someone with disorganized attachment, but if the person seeks healing, the relationship can blossom into something beautiful, stable, and secure.

If you feel ready to explore this work and want support along the way, I invite you to reach out for an appointment.