Outside of therapy, what helps heal disorganized attachment is cultivating relationships with people who are consistent, patient, and trustworthy. This includes slowly tolerating intimacy and connection without panic or withdrawal. Specifically, it means gradually learning to stay present even when feelings of fear, vulnerability, or anxiety arise. Over time, the person can experience closeness without automatically pulling away or acting out, allowing the nervous system to register safety. This gradual process helps build confidence in relationships and strengthens the capacity for secure, stable bonds.

The key difference is that the fire comes from choice and creativity, not chaos. When passion comes from choice rather than chaos, it is sustainable and freeing. You can explore fantasies, play, and intimacy without fear or anxiety dominating the experience. Desire becomes a shared adventure instead of a reaction to unpredictability. Over time, this creates sexual experiences that are not only thrilling in the moment but also deeply satisfying and nourishing for both partners.

Arguments may flare up around perceived disconnection or distance, even if no intentional harm was intended. For instance, “I just needed a night to myself. It wasn’t because I’m losing interest or plan to break up with you.”  The partner may sometimes feel “smothered” or lose a sense of space because the anxiously attached person is requesting closeness or frequent check-ins that don’t match the partner’s cadence.

The reason therapists like me talk about attachment is that these early childhood relationships prime people’s future relationships. The patterns don’t disappear simply because a person got older. That means in adulthood, the person is still anxious. In their romantic relationships, they have a frequent need for reassurance. They may want to call or text often and have trouble tolerating physical and emotional distance.

Loneliness in a relationship doesn’t always mean love is gone—it’s often a sign that the relationship needs emotional tending and intentional care. Just as physical health requires nourishment and attention, emotional connection needs ongoing investment to thrive. With awareness, openness, and a commitment to change, couples can move from disconnection to closeness again. Your emotional needs are valid, and tending to them can transform your relationship into a place of mutual care, intimacy, and emotional safety.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing a series of blog posts that look at both sides of the attachment equation, meaning what it’s like to have a particular attachment style and what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who leans in that direction. People often shift between styles at different times in their lives, and even within different self-states or relationships. The goal is to offer a more nuanced view of attachment as something fluid and relational, while also creating room for compassion, curiosity, and growth.

These patterns don’t simply vanish because we grow up—they linger and influence how we handle conflict, how we express love and affection, whether we feel safe depending on others, and how we cope with emotional closeness or distance. Inner child work invites us to revisit those early wounds with compassion and curiosity, not to blame, but to better understand the roots of our patterns and begin to reparent ourselves in ways that foster healing and secure connection.