Recurring emotions when dating someone with disorganized attachment may be fear, frustration, and confusion. Fear that they’ll pull away. Frustration that no matter what you do, you can’t get them to stay present. And confusion because sometimes the person with disorganized attachment is present and available.

Outside of therapy, what helps heal disorganized attachment is cultivating relationships with people who are consistent, patient, and trustworthy. This includes slowly tolerating intimacy and connection without panic or withdrawal. Specifically, it means gradually learning to stay present even when feelings of fear, vulnerability, or anxiety arise. Over time, the person can experience closeness without automatically pulling away or acting out, allowing the nervous system to register safety. This gradual process helps build confidence in relationships and strengthens the capacity for secure, stable bonds.

Arguments may flare up around perceived disconnection or distance, even if no intentional harm was intended. For instance, “I just needed a night to myself. It wasn’t because I’m losing interest or plan to break up with you.”  The partner may sometimes feel “smothered” or lose a sense of space because the anxiously attached person is requesting closeness or frequent check-ins that don’t match the partner’s cadence.

Loneliness in a relationship doesn’t always mean love is gone—it’s often a sign that the relationship needs emotional tending and intentional care. Just as physical health requires nourishment and attention, emotional connection needs ongoing investment to thrive. With awareness, openness, and a commitment to change, couples can move from disconnection to closeness again. Your emotional needs are valid, and tending to them can transform your relationship into a place of mutual care, intimacy, and emotional safety.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing a series of blog posts that look at both sides of the attachment equation, meaning what it’s like to have a particular attachment style and what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who leans in that direction. People often shift between styles at different times in their lives, and even within different self-states or relationships. The goal is to offer a more nuanced view of attachment as something fluid and relational, while also creating room for compassion, curiosity, and growth.