n essence, earned secure attachment is a growing sense of calm, even in moments of conflict or uncertainty. There starts to be more calm, more peace than anxiety. Earned secure attachment allows for holding both closeness and autonomy without panic. There’s a sense of self and independence while maintaining connection to others. Sometimes this means holding seemingly contradictory feelings at the same time; wanting closeness but also needing space.

Someone with secure attachment can model for their partner what healthy, constructive communication, emotional regulation, and relational balance look like. They’re able to attend to their own needs because they have healthy boundaries, which means the relationship has intimacy and independence.

This is the biggest hallmark of secure attachment – feeling a sense of ease, peace, and comfort. They trust that when they text someone, the person will get back to them in a reasonable timeframe. And if the person doesn’t, someone with secure attachment doesn’t spin out into worry or make it about them. They might think, “So-and-so must be busy, oh well,” and move on with their life.

Because of the withdrawal, dismissal, or silence, the partner may start to question if their needs are “too much.” They may think to themselves, “Should I not have said that? Was I too honest and real? Why did they pull away? How can I make them come back?” Alternatively, they might wonder if they misread the situation. “Was I imagining the good time we had? Was it only me?” This repeated cycle of reaching out and being met with distance can erode trust and create feelings of loneliness within the relationship.

What happens in the nervous system of someone with avoidant attachment is they register intimacy as dangerous. They may think to themselves either consciously or unconsciously, “If this person gets too close, I’ll disappear…I’ll get swallowed up and lose myself. There will be none of me left.” That feels terrifying and so their survival mechanism kicks in. They respond the same way as if they ran into a physical threat like a rattlesnake: They fight, retreat, or freeze. For emotional threats, this looks like picking fights with people, criticizing them, going silent/ghosting them, or shutting down through passive aggression or stonewalling.

Recurring emotions when dating someone with disorganized attachment may be fear, frustration, and confusion. Fear that they’ll pull away. Frustration that no matter what you do, you can’t get them to stay present. And confusion because sometimes the person with disorganized attachment is present and available.

Outside of therapy, what helps heal disorganized attachment is cultivating relationships with people who are consistent, patient, and trustworthy. This includes slowly tolerating intimacy and connection without panic or withdrawal. Specifically, it means gradually learning to stay present even when feelings of fear, vulnerability, or anxiety arise. Over time, the person can experience closeness without automatically pulling away or acting out, allowing the nervous system to register safety. This gradual process helps build confidence in relationships and strengthens the capacity for secure, stable bonds.

Arguments may flare up around perceived disconnection or distance, even if no intentional harm was intended. For instance, “I just needed a night to myself. It wasn’t because I’m losing interest or plan to break up with you.”  The partner may sometimes feel “smothered” or lose a sense of space because the anxiously attached person is requesting closeness or frequent check-ins that don’t match the partner’s cadence.

Loneliness in a relationship doesn’t always mean love is gone—it’s often a sign that the relationship needs emotional tending and intentional care. Just as physical health requires nourishment and attention, emotional connection needs ongoing investment to thrive. With awareness, openness, and a commitment to change, couples can move from disconnection to closeness again. Your emotional needs are valid, and tending to them can transform your relationship into a place of mutual care, intimacy, and emotional safety.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing a series of blog posts that look at both sides of the attachment equation, meaning what it’s like to have a particular attachment style and what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who leans in that direction. People often shift between styles at different times in their lives, and even within different self-states or relationships. The goal is to offer a more nuanced view of attachment as something fluid and relational, while also creating room for compassion, curiosity, and growth.