Rethinking Attachment Styles: A Series on Relating and Being Related To
By: Dr. Denise Renye
Attachment theory has become a popular framework for understanding relationship dynamics. However, I can say as a Marin County depth psychotherapist and online sex therapist, it has its limits. Yes, attachment styles can be helpful for naming certain patterns (avoidance, anxiety, both), but this gets oversimplified into fixed labels. There may be an idea that attachment styles are permanent traits when they are not.
Also, keep in mind that attachment styles are adaptive strategies shaped by our early and ongoing experiences, and they can shift over time or vary depending on the relationship. For instance, a highly expressive or emotionally focused friend might bring out the part of you that wants to avoid or withdraw, whereas a more distant or reserved romantic partner might stir anxiety.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing a series of blog posts that look at both sides of the attachment equation, meaning what it’s like to have a particular attachment style and what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who leans in that direction. People often shift between styles at different times in their lives, and even within different self-states or relationships. The goal is to offer a more nuanced view of attachment as something fluid and relational, while also creating room for compassion, curiosity, and growth.
How Attachment Styles Form
Attachment styles are often formed in early childhood through our relationships with primary caregivers. This was first studied by British psychoanalyst and psychiatrist John Bowlby. He observed that children form an internal working model of relationships based on their caregiver’s availability and responsiveness. And that disruptions in early attachments (like separation, neglect, or abuse) can lead to emotional and behavioral problems later in life.
These disruptions can make it difficult for a child to feel safe, seen, or soothed in relationship. Over time, they may develop protective strategies such as shutting down emotionally, becoming overly vigilant to signs of rejection, or experiencing confusion and fear around intimacy. These early adaptations often show up in adult relationships, especially under stress or in moments of vulnerability.
These early interactions shape our expectations about connection and safety. When caregivers are consistently responsive and attuned, a secure attachment is more likely to develop. This is perhaps the truest form of inherited wealth, offering a foundation of emotional security that carries into adulthood. But when caregiving is unpredictable, emotionally unavailable, intrusive, or neglectful, children may adapt by developing anxious, avoidant, or disorganized ways of relating.
Thus, attachment styles are categorized into four ways:
Secure Attachment develops when the caregiver is responsive, available, and the child feels safe exploring the world, knowing they have a "secure base" to return to. Adults with secure attachment tend to trust easily, express emotions openly, and feel comfortable with both closeness and independence. They are emotionally available in relationships. While this style typically forms in early childhood, earned secure attachment is also possible later in life through healing relationships, therapy, or self-reflective work.
Insecure-Avoidant Attachment develops when the caregiver is emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or rejecting. The child learns that expressing needs results in dismissal or punishment, so they suppress their attachment needs to maintain proximity. As adults, avoidant individuals often value independence and may struggle with intimacy, tolerating vulnerability, or relying on others. Relational trauma or neglect is often present, even if it appears less overt.
Insecure-Anxious (Ambivalent) Attachment develops when the caregiver is sometimes emotionally available and responsive but sometimes not. There is inconsistent responsiveness. Sometimes there is nurturance and other times there is withdraw or preoccupation. This unpredictability, or intermittent reinforcement, creates a deep sense of insecurity in the child, who becomes hypervigilant to signs of disconnection. As adults, people with anxious attachment often crave closeness, fear abandonment, and may become preoccupied with their partner’s availability. This pattern can lead to emotional dependence or even codependence. Underlying trauma, such as feeling unseen or emotionally starved, is often a part of this style.
Disorganized Attachment (also called fearful avoidant) is closely linked to complex trauma or abuse. The caregiver was experienced as both a source of safety and a source of fear, which places the child in an impossible bind. The child cannot predict whether they will be comforted or harmed, so no consistent strategy forms. In adulthood, this often shows up as chaotic or unstable relationships. People with disorganized attachment may alternate between craving closeness and pushing it away…hot and cold. They may often feel conflicted or overwhelmed by intimacy. It can be somewhat understood as a combination of insecure-avoidant and insecure-anxious. Sometimes they want closeness and sometimes they’re scared of it. Their inner world can be filled with fear, confusion, and self-protection.
Trauma, whether relational or environmental, can deepen these adaptations and influence how we show up in adult relationships, especially around intimacy, trust, and emotional safety. As mentioned before, trauma is something that affects the brain, body, and nervous system, often shaping our attachment patterns beneath conscious awareness. This means that the ways we relate to others are frequently unconscious and, thus, automatic. They are rooted in survival, not conscious choice. Understanding this can help us bring more compassion to ourselves and others, and it opens the door to healing and transformation through insight, practice, and safe relational experiences.
Remember, though, these ways of relating are not fixed or permanent. Trauma often occurred while in relationship and healing can also occur in relationship. This is part of what makes the therapeutic relationship so unique and powerful. For some, the therapist may be the first person to offer consistent emotional safety and attunement. This may be the first experience of a secure relationship. Through this connection, client and therapist co-create a new, embodied felt sense of trust and security, which can support the development of earned secure attachment over time.
Healing is possible. If feel ready to explore this work and want support along the way, I invite you to reach out for an appointment.