Why Being Authentic is the Most Revolutionary, Loving Act You Can Commit
By: Dr. Denise Renye
We live in a society that asks people to shrink, to perform, to wear a mask so they feel loved, held, and like they belong. It starts very young with our families, the people who reward us for certain behaviors and punish us for others. It’s the father who shames us when we fail. It’s the mother who tells us not to cry. It’s the sibling that says, “You’re too sensitive.” And so, in response, we feel inadequate and try to meet others’ expectations rather than simply being ourselves.
As a Marin County depth psychotherapist, my work is to support people in their paths toward wholeness, which means being their authentic selves. What is authenticity? It’s when your insides match your outsides. It’s saying yes when you mean yes and saying no when you mean no. It means you live in alignment with your needs and values. However simple that may sound, that isn’t so easy. As one of my teachers when I was in the psychedelic certification program, Dr. Gabor Maté, says, our culture kills authenticity because we are conditioned by colonization, family, socio-cultural expectations, religion and church, schools, and other institutions. The healing path, the one that involves authenticity, isn’t supported by our culture but undermined by it.
I say this because the push to be a certain way doesn’t stop in childhood or with our caregivers. As adults, we constantly receive messages about how to be, look, and feel. It’s the advertisements that tell us we need to buy a certain product to look good, feel good. It’s all the lists of “what not to wear” or what to wear. It’s the push to be popular, no matter the cost. Our culture rewards “going along to get along” much more than authenticity. And yet, amidst all these pressures, it’s important to remember that people are beautiful just as they are, regardless of how closely they match society’s shifting standards.
Authenticity requires courage. It means staying true to yourself even when it’s hard, even when you might be criticized or rejected. It means being vulnerable. It may seem like our culture encourages vulnerability and authenticity because a TikTok video or Instagram reel goes viral for it, but oftentimes, vulnerability and authenticity are only acceptable within certain parameters. For instance, back in January, actress, singer, and businesswoman Selena Gomez faced ire from liberals and conservatives for posting a video crying about ICE deportations.
Her reaction is in line with another quote from Maté, who said, “It’s impossible to have your eyes open and not have your heart broken.” She shared her heartbreak that people are being violently treated and deported just for coming from outside the U.S., and instead of being well-received, she was chastised. Liberals called her disingenuous because she didn’t post about Black Lives Matter in 2016. Conservatives criticized her for getting emotional and caring about immigrants who lack permanent legal status. In response, Gomez deleted the video.
Again, it’s hard to be authentic in a culture that repeatedly says, “You need to act this way, not that way,” and the “way” isn’t even clear (from the outside in), as we saw with Gomez, who couldn’t win by posting the video and couldn’t win by not posting the video. That’s why I say being authentic is the most revolutionary act you can commit. It goes against the grain and strengthens your relationship with yourself, which is the longest relationship you’ll ever have.
There are likely some barriers to being authentic. Maybe you grew up in a traumatic environment where you were told over and over again there was something wrong with you, whether overtly or covertly. You heard this message so frequently that living without a mask sounds terrifying and impossible. Or maybe you’re not even sure what your authentic self wants because you’re so used to codependency and pleasing those around you. Whatever the case may be, you can return to wholeness, to yourself. I have an inner child course available now that helps with reclaiming your truth. And I’m also available for personal sessions. If you’re interested, reach out to schedule something.