Online Sex Therapist Discusses What It’s Like to Be Anxiously Attached

By: Dr. Denise Renye

Have you ever found yourself texting someone, and if they don’t reply right away, that your mind starts racing? You start wondering, “Did I say something wrong? Was that too much? Are they upset with me?” Maybe you even wonder if the person is lying in a ditch somewhere. That response – heightened anxiety and worry around connection – is associated with anxious attachment.

As I mentioned in my previous blog on attachment styles, insecure attachment styles (of which anxious attachment is one) arise due to inconsistently responsive caregivers and early unpredictability. These disruptions in care can make it difficult for a child to feel safe, seen, or soothed in relationship. Over time, they may develop protective strategies. For the anxious attacher, that’s being on high alert for signs of connection and disconnection.

Please know that however you respond, including with anxiety and hypervigilance, is a reflection of an adaptive survival strategy that you formed in childhood. It’s not a fatal flaw. It’s not an indication there’s something wrong with you. I say that as an online sex therapist and Marin County depth psychotherapist. You did what you needed to do to survive.

The Inner World of Anxious Attachment

We touched on this earlier, but the inner world of the anxious attacher is, well, anxious. The emotional themes are fear of abandonment, a need for reassurance, and hypervigilance to changes in tone or availability. As children, they learned to scan for threats because the unconscious thinking goes, “If I see the threat, I can do something about it.” For instance, if they learned mom shuts down and disconnects when she’s angry, the child will try hard not to anger mom. They might apologize quickly or not voice their real thoughts because the threat of disconnection is too great.

On a somatic, or body, level, someone with anxious attachment may experience tightness in the chest, restlessness, and racing thoughts when they’re unsure about a relationship. Again, the body is on high alert. Their self-talk patterns may be “I need to fix this” or “If I do everything right, they won’t leave.”

How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Adult Relationships

The reason therapists like me talk about attachment is that these early childhood relationships prime people’s future relationships. The patterns don’t disappear simply because a person got older. That means in adulthood, the person is still anxious. In their romantic relationships, they have a frequent need for reassurance. They may want to call or text often and have trouble tolerating physical and emotional distance.

In friendships, people with anxious attachment have a fear of being left out. They are frequently tracking who’s getting invited to what, who’s hanging out with who, and asking, “Why wasn’t I invited?” They tend to overshare and overinvest in relationships early on because they long for connection.

At work, they have a heightened sensitivity to feedback or perceived criticism. They may operate as perfectionists, worried about making mistakes.  

If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, remember they aren’t indictments. You developed these strategies for a reason, often due to trauma, which is when your nervous system gets overwhelmed and it affects your ability to cope. Trauma rewires your brain and body. It leaves an imprint. If your early caregivers were inconsistent, your adult nervous system will struggle to feel safe without constant connection. That makes sense!

Related, the trauma you experience throughout your life can intensify anxious patterns. For instance, if you had inconsistent caregivers and then as an adult were cheated on, the anxiety will increase. The same can happen if you experienced repeated breakups without closure, were ghosted by someone you cared about, had a partner who withheld affection, or lived through long periods of uncertainty in a relationship. Even non-romantic events such as being betrayed by a close friend, losing a job without warning, or feeling excluded in a community you relied on can reactivate the same nervous system responses learned in childhood. Each of these experiences can reinforce the belief that connection is fragile and unpredictable, making it harder to feel secure even when a relationship is safe.

The Upside of Anxious Attachment

I know I’ve mentioned the downsides of anxious attachment but there are upsides too! People with anxious attachment often show high levels of empathy, or the capacity to be with someone else’s emotions. They practice emotional attunement, or showing up with presence and care for those they love. They also have a strong capacity for connection. They can forge deep, intimate bonds with others.

People with anxious attachment also show a willingness to repair and invest in relationships because connection matters to them. They prioritize relationships and are willing to do the work to maintain the relationship. These qualities can be strengths when they’re paired with emotional regulation skills. Speaking of. . .

As an online sex therapist and Marin County depth psychotherapist, there are certain strategies that facilitate healing. Therapy, of course, but also mindfulness, and body-based techniques such as yoga and breathwork can be very helpful. This must be coupled with self-awareness – practicing self-soothing when upset, noticing triggers, and slowing down responses. For instance, if someone doesn’t text them back right away, saying something like, "Now, when the silence comes, I can notice the fear, breathe, and remind myself that I am still okay."

Doing these techniques may help those with anxious attachment begin to earn secure attachment. (If you’re interested in a process specifically around that, I have an inner child course and a book.) They become the caregiver they always wanted and needed such that they’re less bothered by what others are doing (or not doing). They know they are there for themselves and disconnection becomes less threatening.

Change is possible and anxious attachment doesn’t define you forever. It is very possible to evolve psychologically and I’ve seen this over and over again in my work as an online sex therapist and Marin County depth psychotherapist. With the right support, self-awareness, and consistent relational experiences that feel safe and secure, people can gradually rewire old patterns. This growth often leads to deeper trust, more balanced connections, and a greater sense of calm in relationships. If you feel ready to explore this work and want support along the way, I invite you to reach out for an appointment.