What It’s Like to be in a Relationship with Someone who is Anxiously Attached
By: Dr. Denise Renye
(note: this blog is part of the attachment series)
As an online sex therapist and Marin County depth psychotherapist, I see attachment theory as a useful tool for understanding patterns in relationships. However, attachment theory also has its limits. Labels like “anxious,” “avoidant,” or “secure” might make it seem as though people are fixed as to how they relate to others. As if for the rest of their lives they will be “anxious,” “avoidant,” or “secure.” In reality, attachment styles are more like tendencies than permanent traits, and individuals can shift their style depending on circumstances, self-states, and relational experiences. Recognizing this fluidity allows us to use attachment theory as a guide rather than a box.
That said, I recently shared what it’s like to have anxious attachment. That’s one part of the equation. The other is, “What is it like to be in a relationship with someone who is anxiously attached?” The goal here is to understand, not blame or shame. I want everyone to come away with more compassion and insight because, again, attachment styles develop as adaptive survival strategies, not personal failings.
Common Experiences for Partners of Someone Anxiously Attached
People who are anxiously attached are, well, anxious, and that can get expressed in a variety of different ways. They may ask their partners directly or indirectly: “Do you still love me?” That puts pressure on their partners to reassure them frequently, and it may never seem to be enough. The partner may say, “I’ve told you over and over again that I still love you. Why don’t you believe me?” And this sort of interaction may cascade into a conflict in the blink of an eye.
Related, the anxiously attached person may text or call repeatedly if they don’t get a quick reply – for instance, double or triple texting. This may create pressure and potential annoyance for the partner. To counter the anxiety and annoyance, it would be helpful for both partners to practice grounding techniques and mindfulness.
Arguments may flare up around perceived disconnection or distance, even if no intentional harm was intended. For instance, “I just needed a night to myself. It wasn’t because I’m losing interest or plan to break up with you.” The partner may sometimes feel “smothered” or lose a sense of space because the anxiously attached person is requesting closeness or frequent check-ins that don’t match the partner’s cadence.
As you read this, you may notice parts of yourself in the anxiously attached profile, and at other times, you might recognize yourself in the role of the partner. This is completely natural as attachment styles are not fixed or rigid identities. They can shift depending on the relationship, the situation, and the inner work you are doing. When you are actively engaged in personal growth, you may find that old patterns soften and new ways of relating emerge, allowing for more flexibility and choice in how you connect.
Regardless, as an online sex therapist, I can say the relationship with an anxiously attached person (whether that’s you or your partner) can feel emotionally intense, with highs and lows. There may be swinging between moments of closeness and connection and periods of tension or uncertainty. It’s hard on both people.
The Underlying Dynamic
If you’re in a partnership with someone who is anxiously attached, it’s important to remember their anxiety is not about a lack of love or trust in you but about early survival strategies. Their behaviors are rooted in patterns learned in childhood that kept them safe and maintained connection. In other words, it’s their childhood wounds getting activated.
Someone who is anxiously attached can be hypervigilant. They are scanning for threats, looking for signs of abandonment. They are constantly looking for signs of disconnection because, at a nervous system level, disconnection once meant the difference between safety and harm. Knowing this can shift the lens from frustration to compassion – the anxiously attached person isn’t trying to be controlling, they’re just scared.
Understanding the roots of anxious attachment can help partners move from feeling frustrated or resentful to responding with empathy and patience. Again, these are survival strategies rather than intentional behaviors.
The Gifts of Being with Someone Anxiously Attached
We discussed some of the challenges of being with someone who is anxiously attached but there are benefits too. Anxiously attached people tend to be deeply empathetic and emotionally attuned. They are able to “read the emotional room.” They can often pick up on a person’s mood just from a facial expression or tone of voice. In other words, they may notice subtle shifts in mood and needs that other people don’t catch.
Anxiously attached people often feel a strong drive to resolve conflicts quickly, seeking to restore connection and ease tension as soon as possible because what they long for is closeness. Speaking of, people with anxious attachment are deeply invested in closeness and intimacy, valuing emotional connection and prioritizing meaningful bonds in their relationships. They can bring warmth, passion, and devotion to the relationship. They will infuse it with energy, care, and a strong commitment to connection.
Challenges and Growth Opportunities for the Partner
If you’re interested in having a healthier relationship with someone who is anxiously attached, learn to balance reassurance with healthy boundaries. This may take some trial and error to both support your partner while also not losing your sense of space or autonomy. This balance helps create a stable and safe environment where each partner can feel secure, respected, and understood.
In the relationship, it’s important for you to take accountability as well. Recognize your own triggers, such as tendencies toward avoidance or withdrawal, which can help you respond more thoughtfully to your partner instead of reacting out of habit. Also, practice clear communication rather than withdrawal. If you do that, it will help you and your partner address concerns openly and prevent misunderstandings from escalating.
Lastly, cultivate patience and keep in mind that your anxious partner’s behaviors stem from fear rather than ill intent. Hopefully, reading this blog helped with that and means you can respond with empathy and maintain connection during tense moments.
Pathways Toward Balance
Even with awareness, it can be hard to “unstick” yourself from patterns that have outlived their usefulness. That’s why I recommend therapy for both individuals or as a couple, which is something I offer as an online sex therapist. Naming patterns together instead of personalizing them can be a part of the therapy process and takes some of the sting out. Instead of being accusatory, “Here’s what’s wrong with you, you’re anxious,” it can be helpful to hear what the behaviors are and how they’re landing.
Also, encourage self-regulation skills for the anxious partner. I wrote about this in a previous blog, but body-based techniques such as yoga and breathwork can be very helpful. Also, encouraging them to practice self-soothing when upset, noticing triggers, and slowing down responses. For instance, if you don’t text them back right away, they can say to themselves, "Now, when the silence comes, I can notice the fear, breathe, and remind myself that I am still okay."
And for you as their partner, consistency and trust are vital. This takes time and involves showing up in predictable and reliable ways, keeping promises, and following through on commitments. For someone with anxious attachment, repeated experiences of safety and dependability help rewire the nervous system, slowly replacing fear and hypervigilance with confidence and calm. It is through these steady relational experiences that emotional security grows and patterns of anxiety begin to soften. Healing happens in healthy relationships.
Being with someone who is anxiously attached can be challenging, but it can also invite both partners into deeper honesty and growth. With understanding, compassion, and practice, the relationship can become a place of healing rather than reenacting old wounds. And if you feel ready to explore this work and want support along the way, I invite you to reach out for an appointment.