Marin County Psychologist Unpacks Defensiveness in Relationships

The inner critic is born from unprocessed childhood trauma. If you dig deeper, you’ll likely find the inner critic voice is eerily similar to a parent or guardian, either in words you heard or interpretations through actions they showed. We often internalize those voices and messages that whisper tales of inadequacy and unworthiness. There may have been neglect, rejection, or emotional abuse in childhood and so to deal with the pain, often an inner critic arises that repeats these negative messages in an effort to wound yourself before anyone else has the chance to wound you. On the other hand, the inner critic may say, “If only you did things the right way, everything would be fine.”

Marin County Sex Therapist Reveals Signs of Emotional Unavailability

The internet, and people in general, like to speak in absolutes about what people should do. But in my work as a sex therapist, I give space for my clients to figure out what is best for them, whether that’s ending the relationship with the emotionally unavailable person or supporting them as they navigate staying together. However, there are some general guidelines for healing.

The Importance of Premarital Counseling

As a certified sexologist and licensed psychologist, my work predominantly focuses on relationships – all relationships. I advocate for premarital counseling because it can help couples prepare for the complexities of marriage. It delves into various aspects of a relationship including communication, conflict resolution, romantic and sexual connection, financial management, and emotional intimacy.

How EMDR Can Promote Sexual Healing

Sexuality and relationship issues often stem from past experiences that have left emotional scars or negative beliefs about one’s self and others. EMDR facilitates the reprocessing of these memories, helping individuals to integrate positive and adaptive information, and desensitize the emotional charge associated with past traumas. In the realm of sexuality, EMDR can assist individuals in overcoming inhibitions, shame, or negative self-perceptions that may hinder their healthy sexual expression.

A Sex Therapist Reveals How Well Sex Education Portrays Sex Therapy

We all know TV and movies don’t always get it right in terms of their portrayals so how does Sex Education stack up in regards to sex therapy? Is it more fiction than fact? Surprisingly, no. Is it unrealistic that Otis would know so much about sex therapy without going through proper training and certification? Absolutely. As a Bay Area sex therapist and sexologist, I had a rigorous training process – more than 300 hours of additional training and an additional 50 extra hours of supervision on top of my licensure. The things I learned cannot be gleaned by osmosis so in that way, Sex Education is a complete work of fiction.

Denise RenyeMarch 7, 2024sex therapy, sex, sexology, couples therapy, couples, marin county sex therapist

Nurturing Intimacy: A Guide for Parents of Young Children

Parenting is a rewarding yet demanding journey that often places significant demands on the time and energy of caregivers. Amidst the hustle and bustle of daily responsibilities, maintaining intimacy in a relationship can become a challenge.

Denise RenyeFebruary 5, 2024parenting, intimacy, Sex, sexuality, couples, couples therapy

The Paradox of Over-Familiarity: How It Can Decrease Sexual Attraction

While over-familiarity can indeed decrease sexual attraction, it is not an inevitable outcome of a long-term relationship. Couples can take steps to maintain and even reignite their sexual attraction.

Denise RenyeOctober 16, 2023couples therapy, sextherapy, sex therapy, sexuality, sexual healing, ptsd, trauma bond

A Nonconsensual Third Wheel in Your Relationship: The Cell Phone

Constant phone use, including scrolling through social media, texting, or even playing mobile games, can lead to a lack of genuine emotional connection. Partners may struggle to engage in meaningful conversations and share their thoughts, dreams, and concerns when one or both individuals are constantly distracted by their devices. The emotional connection that once held the couple together may begin to erode and they may drift further apart.

We are More Comfortable Talking about Women’s Pain than Pleasure

When pleasure takes center stage, it becomes a powerful catalyst for self-identified women to reclaim their agency and voice. Prioritizing one's desires not only applies to intimate relationships but extends into the broader sphere of professional life as well. Encouraging women to vocalize their needs and preferences, whether in the bedroom or the boardroom, can be initially challenging, as it challenges longstanding norms and expectations. However, this is precisely the transformation our society needs. By fostering an environment where women feel empowered to speak up and assert themselves, we contribute to a more equitable world where their voices are valued and respected in all aspects of life.

Meaningful Relationships in Hook Up Culture

Finding a meaningful relationship in hookup culture can be challenging, but it's not impossible. By being clear about what you want, avoiding casual hookups, taking things slow, looking for like-minded individuals, being patient, open, and honest, and putting yourself out there, you can increase your chances of finding a meaningful relationship.

How to Heal After Divorce

Life after a divorce can be challenging, but it's important to focus on self-care, build a strong support system, set realistic goals, establish a new routine, let go of resentment, and take things slowly. By taking these steps, you can begin to rebuild your life and find happiness once again.

Working with a skilled therapist can be key in helping to heal the heartbreak that can accompany divorce. There are support groups also, to connect with others who are going through similar experiences.

Space is Sexy in Relationship

Sleeping separately helps everyone get a better night’s sleep because they don’t have to contend with snoring, blanket-hogging, or different sleep schedules.

The Hidden Opportunity in Romantic Relationships

And if being in a relationship is what you are choosing, enjoying it and healing through it are

beautiful ways to break intergenerational trauma wounds, increase intimacy, and come to know

yourself deeper. It may not look like a Hollywood movie, but that’s OK because your

relationship is something better: It’s real.

Straightwashing Real-Life Relationships

That’s a problem for numerous reasons but what’s interesting to me is that straightwashing is not relegated to Hollywood. When someone gets into a man-woman relationship, people default to calling it a heterosexual one or believing both parties are heterosexual. It may look that way on the outside, but is it? What if one or both people are bisexual, pansexual, or identify in a way other than hetero? What if one or both people are trans?

Physical Intimacy is More than Sex

The pleasure-oriented approach emphasizes all parts of the sexual encounter, including what has traditionally been called "foreplay," a word I take issue with. Historically, foreplay has been a heterosexual relationship concern. Often, men assume they have to do this/these act(s) known as foreplay (digital stim, oral stim, etc.) in order to really get to “it” (intercourse).

Denise RenyeApril 29, 2022foreplay, sex, sexuality, human sexuality, sensuality, sensual touch, couples therapy

Happy, Romantic Relationships Need Space

It may seem counterintuitive because romantic relationships are about intimacy and closeness, but what they really need to thrive and flourish is space. Happy, romantic relationships need space or one or both partners can feel suffocated, controlled, and dominated. Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel discusses this topic extensively both in Ted Talks and her book Mating in Captivity.

Denise RenyeMarch 28, 2022happy, relationship, romance, space, romantic relationship, couples therapy

How to Strengthen the Couple Bond

How much space does the couple want within the relationship itself? I see many couples in my private practice and often use the metaphor of a house to describe a relationship. Houses have a number of doors and windows. Each couple gets to decide how open and closed the windows and doors are for each person to feel safe in the relationship.

Denise RenyeDecember 10, 2021couples, relationship, couples therapy

Bringing Consciousness Back into the Bedroom

“What’s communication like?” Are both people in the couple talking about sex? What they like, what they don’t, how frequently they want to have it? Or is sex filled with assumptions and expectations? If it’s the latter, that’s the recipe for an unsatisfying sexual encounter. And yet not many of us have been taught the skills to learn how to have these integral conversations. Instead, melting into the taboo of cheating is the way many folx still proceed.

Accepting the “Death” of a Relationship

As a psychologist, I offer depth-oriented psychodynamic therapy, blending psychoanalytic, Jungian, and transpersonal theory. Topics that often come up in sessions with me are sex (and little deaths, or la petite mort), endings or redefining relationship design, and death (physical and/or ego). The type of therapy I practice has an open-ended trajectory that organically comes to a close. It is not time limited, unless I am working as an adjunct with another clinician.

Denise RenyeJune 17, 2021death, death and dying, goodbye, therapy, termination, couples therapy

Exploring Sensate Focus

Last week I shared with you my perspective as a sexologist on the five circles of sexuality; this week, I want to share sensate focus with you as an exercise to facilitate sensual exploration and discovery with a partner.

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