It’s Not Too Late to Develop Secure Attachment

By: Dr. Denise Renye

Attachment styles develop in childhood and having secure attachment can feel like winning the jackpot because it meant caregivers were present, attuned, and consistent. Growing up with this level of attunement is actually quite rare, which makes secure attachment a special foundation to carry into adulthood. However, that doesn’t mean everyone else is doomed. As an online sex therapist and Marin County depth psychotherapist, I’ll reiterate that attachment styles are just labels and they are not fixed. You can develop secure attachment later in life, which is called “earned secure attachment.”

Even after growing up with an insecure style (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized), you create secure attachment. It’s “earned” because the style is built intentionally through self-awareness, healing, and healthy relational experiences, which is not something that was likely received in childhood if you developed insecure attachment. Also, working toward secure attachment can bring up grief for what was missed or lost in earlier relationships. Many people who come to therapy are on this path of earned secure attachment, often without realizing it.

How Earned Secure Attachment Develops

Rewiring your attachment style requires effort and earning secure attachment happens in several ways. One is consistent, quality therapy. Trauma, especially in early relationships, often shapes insecure attachment patterns, so therapy helps address these wounds and the ways they show up in adult relationships. Consistent, attuned therapy provides a corrective emotional experience because it’s a relationship where safety, repair, and reliability are modeled over time. This is why therapy isn’t just “navel gazing.” It’s a reparative experience.

You can have similar reparative experiences via healthy relationships. Secure and stable relationships in adulthood can serve as a model, which helps the nervous system learn safety and co-regulation. Oftentimes friendships are where people experience safety and co-regulation first so don’t sideline those relationships. Investing in friendships is valuable for your health and wellbeing. 

Similarly, a very important step to develop earned secure attachment is inner child work. It’s never too late to be the parent you needed and this is necessary because you are every age you’ve ever been. That means if you were terrified at 8 years old and left to fend for yourself, there still exists a terrified 8-year-old within you. Inner child work involves reconnecting with the wounded, neglected, or fearful parts of yourself. Doing so helps you to reparent those inner parts with compassion and steadiness. If you don’t know where to begin with that process, I have an inner child course that acts as a guide.

As a result of inner child work and building healthy relationships, over time, people start to trust their perceptions, emotions, and needs without shame or fear of rejection. That means they start to show up fully in their relationships, no longer scared of “being too much,” “saying the wrong thing,” or worried they’ll be engulfed. They are more comfortable with vulnerability and emotional closeness, but because this is learned later in life, it may feel scary at first.

If you grew up with insecure attachment, opening up or trusting someone consistently may trigger old fears of rejection, engulfment, or abandonment. It can feel unfamiliar to rely on another person without hypervigilance or constant self-protection . Over time, as you experience safety, consistency, and attuned connection, these fears gradually soften and closeness begins to feel manageable and even comforting. This process takes patience and time, and it often requires the couple to work through moments of frustration together. With consistent effort and mutual support, trust and security in the relationship can grow stronger.

What Earned Secure Attachment Feels Like

Keep in mind that earned secure attachment is a new way of being but it doesn’t replace a person’s defaults. For instance, if someone grew up with anxious attachment, their first impulse might be to spin out when someone doesn’t respond to a text. However, through all the work they’ve done to become secure, the person will soothe themselves rather than send another 12 texts, asking for external reassurance. It is important to remember that this is a gradual process, and occasional setbacks are normal. What matters is the ability to return to a secure, grounded response over time.

In essence, earned secure attachment is a growing sense of calm, even in moments of conflict or uncertainty. There starts to be more calm, more peace than anxiety. Earned secure attachment allows for holding both closeness and autonomy without panic. There’s a sense of self and independence while maintaining connection to others. Sometimes this means holding seemingly contradictory feelings at the same time; wanting closeness but also needing space. Being able to navigate these paradoxes is a sign of emotional maturity and resilience. For example, someone with earned secure attachment might feel the urge to retreat after a disagreement but can pause, communicate their need for space, and then return to the conversation with curiosity and openness rather than fear or defensiveness. And the key is returning to the conversation, not sweeping it under the rug.

Someone with earned secure attachment might still feel scared or think about running away, but they’ll name that. They’ve done the work to spot their triggers and take conscious responsive actions rather than react. Over time, this allows them to stay present in relationships even when difficult emotions arise. In a future blog, I will dive deeper into strategies for self-regulation and how to strengthen this skill in daily life.

Briefly though, self-regulation could look like journaling, going for a walk, talking to a friend, breathing, meditating, etc. Someone with earned secure attachment feels their feelings and understands what makes sense to ask for from a partner and what does not. Vulnerability becomes possible, even safe, because they trust themselves to navigate emotional intimacy.

From this place, relationships start to feel like choices rather than survival strategies. That’s because the person isn’t working overtime to manage their nervous system. They understand they have the tools to take care of themselves. They begin to engage with others from a place of curiosity and connection rather than fear or self-protection. Intimacy becomes something they can enjoy and explore, rather than something that feels risky or overwhelming.

A Relationship with Someone Who Has Earned Secure Attachment

A relationship with someone who has earned secure attachment looks a lot like a relationship with someone who’s default attachment style is secure. These relationships are balanced, connected, and stable. The difference is someone with earned secure attachment brings empathy and insight because they’ve lived through insecurity and healing. They have a felt sense of what it’s like to feel an uprising of panic, or for their nervous system to scream, “run.”  Because of this, they often bring deeper compassion, patience, and understanding to the emotional experiences of others, especially when a partner’s old patterns surface.

They know in a way someone with default secure attachment does not what it’s like to struggle with attachment issues. This allows them to relate to their partners with compassion and patience. Their lived understanding often helps them notice and respond thoughtfully to emotional needs, which creates a deeper sense of safety and connection in their relationships.

Someone with earned secure attachment is aware of their triggers and can name them. For instance, “When you don’t respond to a text within x hours, I start to worry something happened.” Or, “I get scared when you raise your voice.”

During conflicts, they engage in repair and stay in connection even when it’s uncomfortable. They might say, “I really want to storm out of the room right now but instead, I’m going to take five minutes to myself and be right back.” There are still moments when their inner child gets stirred up, but instead of letting that part take the wheel, or being emotionally immature, they pause, reflect, and respond from a grounded, adult place. This doesn’t mean the person is perfect, but if they have moments of fear or withdrawal, they return more quickly to presence and openness.

How Therapy Helps with Earned Secure Attachment

I already listed it as one of the mechanisms for developing earned secure attachment but truly, long-term therapy with a consistent clinician is often key to developing earned secure attachment, especially with a trauma-informed, attachment-focused approach. In my work as an online sex therapist and Marin County depth psychotherapist, I employ modalities such as EMDR, somatic therapy, and depth psychotherapy to help people re-pattern their nervous systems toward safety and connection.

Remember that secure attachment isn’t about never being triggered, it’s about knowing how to find your way back to safety, within yourself and with others. You don’t have to have grown up with safety to build it now. And as a trauma-informed psychologist and sex therapist, I’ve seen this transformation unfold in my clients again and again as they learn that security isn’t something they missed out on; it’s something they can consciously create.

If you’d like support consciously creating safety, reach out for an appointment.