What it’s Like to Have Avoidant Attachment and How to Heal

By: Dr. Denise Renye

In our series on attachment, the last type of insecure attachment is avoidant attachment. Whereas someone with anxious attachment fears abandonment and thus may cling tighter to connections, someone with avoidant attachment primarily fears the opposite: engulfment. They are scared they’ll lose themselves in the relationship.

Again, attachment styles are just labels that can be changed through inner work and increasing awareness. Also, attachment styles differ in relationships with different people. What one person brings out in you may not be what another person brings out, meaning you may show up exhibiting signs of anxious attachment with one partner and then avoidant the next. They are not etched in stone and they fluctuate depending on the person, their circumstances, and also how much effort they’re devoting to their personal healing. Some people may think of their attachment style as a character trait, but as an online sex therapist and Marin County depth psychotherapist, I assure you, it is not.

The Lived Experience of Avoidant Attachment

Like all the insecure attachment styles, people with avoidant attachment experienced wounding, or trauma in some cases, around connection. This can also be understood as relational trauma. Perhaps their early caregivers neglected them and they learned they can’t count on anyone other than themselves. Or maybe a former partner was intrusive, didn’t honor the person’s boundaries, and they learned it was safer (or less complicated in the short term) to withdraw, to not let people get too close. That doesn’t mean a person with avoidant attachment doesn’t want closeness – they do – but closeness feels threatening. Sometimes a person with avoidant attachment yearns deeply for closeness and fears it even more.

What happens in the nervous system of someone with avoidant attachment is they register intimacy as dangerous. They may think to themselves either consciously or unconsciously, “If this person gets too close, I’ll disappear…I’ll get swallowed up and lose myself. There will be none of me left.” That feels terrifying and so their survival mechanism kicks in. They respond the same way as if they ran into a physical threat like a rattlesnake: They fight, retreat, or freeze. For emotional threats, this looks like picking fights with people, criticizing them, going silent/ghosting them, or shutting down through passive aggression or stonewalling.

Because it feels too scary/hard, people with avoidant attachment may decide it would be easier if they didn’t have any close ties so they associate with people who don’t ask much of them. They are friends/partnered with people who stay on the surface, don’t want to go deep, and don’t ask too many questions about what’s happening in their inner world. Again, that’s because intimacy – which could be broken down into “into-me-see” – is scary for someone with avoidant attachment. Their heart may start beating faster, their palms may sweat, and everything inside them says, “Get away from me!”

Strengths of Avoidant Attachment

As with most things, avoidant attachment isn’t all bad. People with this attachment style have unique strengths. For instance, avoidant attachers are very resourceful. They know how to work with what’s available to them. Instead of saying, “I can’t do this,” and giving up, they may say, “I can do this and here’s how.” That resourcefulness also translates into resilience. People with avoidant attachment often know how to dust themselves off and keep trying. They may not let the setbacks in life hold them back because they’ve learned how to flow around challenges.

People with avoidant attachment can be great problem solvers, and when applied to relationships, this can be an asset. With emotional awareness and willingness to connect, people with avoidant attachment can create healthy relationships that balance both space and togetherness. They’ve learned the importance of autonomy and with healing, they also know there’s a time and place to connect. Both are crucial for healthy, fulfilling relationships.

How to Heal Avoidant Attachment

Healing avoidant attachment requires self-compassion. Recognize you are the way you are because of the things that happened to you. You’re not a bad person – you’ve been trying to survive. But if you’re ready to heal, also understand that while independence is a strength, it’s also natural and human to need other people. It doesn’t make you weak – it makes you alive.

And because intimacy itself feels so threatening, start small and practice naming your feelings. Even if it’s just to yourself, say, “I feel sad, I feel scared, I feel angry.” Start to recognize your emotions and train yourself to understand it can be safe to express them. It can be helpful to do this with a therapist because long-term, consistent work with the same therapist can model reliability, attunement, and trust, which teaches your nervous system it’s safe to let people in and to rely on them. A lot of times folx who lean more avoidantly attached may tend to float from therapist to therapist, playing out the attachment style in that therapeutic relationship as well.

Staying with the same therapist over time is especially important because it provides a stable, predictable relational experience that allows old patterns to be safely explored, challenged, and gradually transformed.

Through your healing process, start communicating your needs and honor your need for independence while also intentionally engaging in connection with others. This can involve setting personal boundaries and practicing being present in relationships without automatically withdrawing. That may mean saying, “I need at least two to four hours (or even 24 hours) before I get back to you,” or “I’m not ready to talk about xyz yet.”

Lastly, because avoidant attachment, like all attachment styles, is wired into the body, engaging the body is crucial. Use somatic practices such as breathwork, yoga, going for walks in nature, or freewriting to support you when the urge to withdraw arises. With devotion and dedication, intimacy will stop feeling so threatening and instead feel nourishing.

If you feel ready to explore this work and want support along the way, I invite you to reach out for an appointment.