What It’s Like to Have Secure Attachment
By: Dr. Denise Renye
Oftentimes, attachment styles are referenced in regard to dating, but it’s important to remember these styles stem from early childhood experiences. In ideal situations where children are listened to, when they have consistent, caring adults in their lives, when their emotions aren’t diminished or dismissed, and their basic physical needs are met, the result is secure attachment.
Secure attachment is the “gold standard” by which all the other attachment styles – anxious, disorganized, and avoidant – are measured. It’s what many people aspire to in their relationships with themselves and others. While secure attachment provides a strong foundation, everyone’s relational experiences influence them, and even securely attached people can occasionatly feel triggered or less secure in certain situations. Attachment styles aren’t fixed – how we relate to others is a constant dance that’s ever-changing. That said, what is it like to have secure attachment? Keep reading[DR1] .
The Lived Experience of Secure Attachment
Someone with secure attachment operates from a place of trust and safety. They trust themselves to handle whatever arises in their life relationally, and they also trust others to be there for them. Instead of worrying that people are going to disappear or overwhelm them with closeness, someone with secure attachment approaches relationships with calm confidence, able to be present and responsive without becoming anxious or distant. They aren’t preoccupied with either fear of abandonment or engulfment because they aren’t afraid in their relationships.
This is the biggest hallmark of secure attachment – feeling a sense of ease, peace, and comfort. They trust that when they text someone, the person will get back to them in a reasonable timeframe. And if the person doesn’t, someone with secure attachment doesn’t spin out into worry or make it about them. They might think, “So-and-so must be busy, oh well,” and move on with their life.
On the flip side, if someone with secure attachment receives a vulnerable text, maybe something like, “I’m sad because I have to put my dog down,” they don’t start to worry they’ll be asked to comfort the person, “make” them feel better, etc. Instead, someone with secure attachment will be with the person’s emotional state, and that’s it. “Oh no! That’s terrible,” they might say. “I know how much you loved Sparky. Do you want to talk about it?”
This is because a securely attached person is comfortable with intimacy. They can tolerate closeness because they have good boundaries. They know what they’re capable of and what they’re not. They feel comfortable saying “no” to requests because they don’t worry they’ll chase the person off. Instead of people pleasing, a securely attached person focuses on pleasing themselves first. They are more willing to disappoint others rather than themselves.
Related, someone with secure attachment feels comfortable being vulnerable. They can say to loved ones, “I’m having a really hard day, can we talk?” They want people to see into them. They want to be known when they’re messy, imperfect, and struggling. They understand connection is where healing happens, so they’re comfortable expressing themselves, asking for support, and showing affection. Again, one of the key words associated with secure attachment is “trust.” The person trusts their request for support will be met. They trust saying, “I’m having a really hard day, can we talk?” won’t lead to rejection or engulfment.
Someone with secure attachment has a defined sense of self so they feel safe letting others into their world. They can toggle between independence and closeness easily because they understand both are necessary. They don’t lose themselves in a relationship, nor do they push others away. Instead, a securely attached person feels comfortable pursuing their own interests and friendships while still being emotionally available and connected to their partner.
Do read my blogs on emotional availability, but a quick recap is emotional availability looks like consistent communication, empathy, reliability, and a willingness to resolve conflicts. A securely attached person can be physically distant from their partner but still emotionally close. Similarly, a securely attached person doesn’t feel threatened by their partner’s independence. This balance allows the relationship to feel both safe and fulfilling, with room for autonomy and intimacy to coexist. Does that mean a person with secure attachment never gets angry? Never has any conflicts? Nope! The key difference is they regulate their own emotions.
A Securely Attached Person Stays With Themselves
One of the big differences between secure attachment and insecure attachment is emotional regulation. People with insecure styles try to use something external to make themselves feel better. They might run away, shut down, ignore communication, or do the reverse – run toward, escalate the intensity of their emotions, and communicate even more. Insecure attachment says, “You need to change in order for me to feel OK.” Secure attachment says, “I can be OK no matter what you’re doing.”
I’ll get into this more in my blog on what it’s like to have a relationship with someone who’s securely attached, but let’s take the example of an argument with a partner. A securely attached person may feel angry or upset (they’re still human, after all), but instead of yelling, withdrawing, or attacking the other person, they’ll be with themselves first. That means naming how they feel: “I’m feeling really angry,” while also listening to their partner: “And I also hear how angry you are.” Then, because the securely attached person values connection, they’ll ask, “How can we work toward a solution?”
After the argument, the person will forgive their partner and move on. They won’t hold a grudge, keep score, or start to worry about how stable the relationship is. They understand rupture and repair are a normal part of relationships.
The person is able to do this because they’ve regularly been with themselves and their own emotions/experiences. They’ve cultivated self-awareness to understand their feelings, motivations, and patterns. They know themselves so they can show up fully in their relationships. How did they come to know themselves? A person with secure attachment practices introspective and emotional regulation techniques like breathwork, freewriting, creating art, being in nature, and/or meditation. Having a balance of time alone and time in community is something those with secure attachments practice.
The Strengths of Someone with Secure Attachment
It’s likely obvious what the strengths of someone with secure attachment are, but to sum up, they act as a “secure base” for themselves and others. They can be counted on during stressful times, and they create a sense of safety that encourages their partner to be open, vulnerable, and fully engaged in the relationship. Their consistency and emotional availability help the relationship feel grounded and secure.
And because someone with secure attachment acts as a secure base, they can also promote healthy attachment in their partners, because, again, attachment styles aren’t fixed and we all influence each other. A securely attached person helps others feel safer, more regulated, and more willing to engage vulnerably, which gradually encourages healthier relational patterns.
A securely attached person also models how to navigate difficult emotions constructively. They show others how to cope without overreacting or withdrawing. For example, when they feel frustrated, sad, or anxious, they can acknowledge their feelings, express them clearly, and manage stress in ways that maintain connection rather than create conflict. They might say, “I’m getting really upset. Can we take 15 minutes apart so I can cool down?” and in that 15 minutes (giving an actual time is important), go journal or meditate. This behavior provides a blueprint for partners to respond to their own emotions in constructive, regulated ways.
Does this all sound like a pipedream? I promise you it’s not. Some people are lucky enough to develop secure attachment via their upbringing but there is also something called “earned secure attachment,” which means you, too, can become a securely attached person. I’ll discuss this more in a future blog, but if you feel ready to explore this work and want support along the way, I invite you to reach out for an appointment.