How to Self-Regulate (and Why It’s Not Your Partner’s Job to Do it For You)

By: Dr. Denise Renye

In my series on attachment styles and blog about emotional maturity, I discussed the importance of self-regulation. But what, exactly, is self-regulation? And how do you do it? Self-regulation, also known as emotional regulation, means the ability to manage your own emotional states, including anxiety, frustration, or withdrawal tendencies.

Emotional regulation means reaching for healthy coping strategies to manage emotions rather than unhealthy ones, such as other people in an addictive way, food, drugs, sex, shopping, etc. Emotional regulation helps you respond thoughtfully to situations rather than reacting unconsciously. That could mean requesting for a time-out when you’re stressed. Or punching a pillow when you’re angry. It’s pausing and asking, “What do I need?” rather than engaging in a knee-jerk reaction in an explosive way or a shutting down way.

In my experience as an online sex therapist and Marin County depth psychotherapist, I’ve found self-regulation is essential for healthy intimacy and sustainable relationships. It is a practice as most people don’t know how to sustainably regulate their nervous systems. When each partner can regulate their own emotions, it can reduce reactivity, build trust, and allow both people to show up fully and authentically. It’s saying, “I’m not OK” rather than pretending everything is fine. Showing up in this way creates space for connection, empathy, and problem-solving, rather than escalating conflict or relying on the other person to “fix” things.

Practical Ways to Self-Regulate

There are numerous techniques to self-regulate. You might want to bookmark this page so you can come back to it. Also, I’d recommend practicing self-regulation techniques when you’re not activated. That way, these practices will already be ingrained and you’ll naturally draw on them when you are activated.

Breathing and grounding techniques calm the nervous system very quickly. I have a PDF and meditation you can download if you’d like some guidance. I also have a breathwork guide. That said, an easy way to practice breathwork is to make your exhales longer than your inhales. For instance, inhale for four, hold for two, and exhale for six. Slowing your breath can slow down your brain and body. Similarly, grounding yourself can help with self-regulation. That may mean identifying five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Grounding can also be feeling your feet on the floor or the sensations in your body.

Cognitive awareness means identifying triggers and naming feelings as they arise. For instance, it could be, “When you’re scrolling on your phone as I’m telling you about my day, I feel hurt because the story I’m telling myself is you don’t want to connect with me.” You’re becoming aware of your thoughts and the stories you’re telling yourself.

Physical strategies for self-regulation are movement practices, yoga, or touch to release tension. This could be self-massage, acupressure points, tai chi, or anything else that helps you release tension and move emotion from the body.

Internal dialogue can mean saying nice things to yourself: “I am lovable,” “I am enough,” “I’m OK.” But it can also be a form of reparenting, or comforting yourself as a secure, attuned parent would your inner child. If that sounds daunting or you’re unsure where to start, I have an inner child course that can help you with this process.

Check-ins with yourself mean asking yourself how you’re doing. “What’s going on with me right now?” It’s attuning to you and practicing awareness of your internal state. Doing so may create a pause before you act, and can support you in moments of high emotion. It means noticing when emotion is starting to overwhelm you, or when your physical needs require tending. Hunger and dehydration can lead to irritability so even something as simple as drinking water can support self-regulation.

Why Self-Regulation is Your Responsibility

I know, it can feel so tempting to say the reason you feel XYZ is because of someone else. If only they did XYZ, you’d feel differently. And while it’s true that other people impact us, the ultimate responsibility for how we feel falls on our own shoulders. Your partner cannot “fix” your emotions or make you feel safe inside. No matter how supportive, loving, or attuned your partner is, they cannot make you feel safe, calm, or secure internally. Those feelings come from your own ability to recognize, process, and manage your emotions.

You can feel calm even if your partner is angry. You can feel happy even if your partner is sad. Your moods are not dependent on others. And yes, your partner can provide support, reassurance, or a safe environment, but they cannot do the inner work for you or “rescue” you from your emotional states. They can’t “make” you happy because happiness is an inside job.

Also, if you’re relying on another person for regulation, that can create codependency. It can lead to fusion, where personal boundaries blur and each partner feels responsible for the other’s emotional state. Hear me when I say you are not. You are responsible for yourself and thinking otherwise may lead to controlling behavior where one partner tries to manage the other’s feelings to feel safe. Healthy relationships require maintaining your own inner stability while staying connected and supportive.

Recognizing this and living this can be difficult if you grew up in a dysfunctional or low-functioning household, such as one affected by trauma, addiction, or emotional neglect. That’s because healthy models for regulating emotions and navigating relationships may not have been available. But it’s never too late! Just as you can earn secure attachment, you can learn how to regulate yourself in a healthy way.

Doing so reduces conflict escalation and creates space for productive communication. It allows both partners to show up authentically, rather than operating from fear, avoidance, or hypervigilance. And this builds a foundation for emotional growth/maturity in the relationship.

It can be difficult to develop self-regulation skills on your own but you don’t have to. As a Marin County depth psychotherapist, I can support you with that. If you feel called, schedule an appointment.