What is Emotional Maturity and How Do You Get it?

By: Dr. Denise Renye

It’s easy to assume because someone is an adult that they handle themselves like an adult would. But the reality is, this planet is filled with children walking around in adult bodies. People who throw temper tantrums as if they were still toddlers. For example, slamming doors during an argument or hanging up on you, sending a string of angry texts, giving the silent treatment, or making dramatic threats to leave the relationship rather than expressing hurt directly. People who only think about their own needs, without considering the needs of others. This is what’s known as emotional immaturity. This is what’s known as emotional immaturity.

As I wrote about in a previous blog, emotional immaturity is a lack of emotional regulation, accountability, and relational depth. It’s a developmental gap and healing that gap is the work of becoming fully human. So what is emotional maturity?

Emotional maturity is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions. It’s connecting what’s happening in your body with how you feel. This looks different for everyone but it could be recognizing the pressure behind your eyes and the heaviness in your body equals grief. Or the heat in your cheeks or the hollowness in your chest are shame. Emotional maturity means being able to name, “I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m happy,” or whatever the emotion may be rather than acting it out.

Many people are able to name their emotions but what translates into emotional maturity is what happens next. Can you tolerate discomfort? Can you sit with how you feel when you want to crawl out of your skin? Even if, especially if, someone points out how you harmed them? Emotional maturity means taking accountability for your actions rather than lashing out or blaming someone else. It’s not, “I wouldn’t have said that if you hadn’t done xyz.” It is also letting the other have needs and not feeling overwhelmed by simultaneous needs. That’s actually what relationships are…having space for both people to be present with the needs they have and navigating how to handle that within the relationship.

An emotionally mature person would say, “I hear that I hurt you. I’m sorry.” They would reflect on their own role in the situation, acknowledge any missteps, and respond calmly and thoughtfully. To be clear, this is NOT people pleasing. It’s not acquiescing to someone else’s every need or mood. Emotional maturity is NOT codependence because the self is taken into account. An emotionally mature person considers their own feelings and needs as well as someone else’s. It’s not either or, it’s both.

Emotional Maturity Means Thinking of Others

An emotionally mature person considers how their actions may impact others. If they get into a fight with a friend, they don’t pretend everything is fine when they see the person next. They check in, engage in real repair, and ask how the person is feeling in relation to what happened between them. Someone who is emotionally immature might say something like, “You never take care of me. What about what I need?” and then expect the other person to comfort them instead of taking responsibility for their own emotions or the conflict that just happened.

Why do emotionally immature people do this? Because they didn’t have models of emotional maturity growing up. Someone who is emotionally immature usually had parents and caregivers who were also emotionally immature. Their emotional needs may have been ignored, dismissed, or invalidated. When they went to their caregivers with a feeling such as, “I’m sad,” the caregiver might have responded, “I’ll give you something to cry about!” Or even more simply, “Don’t be sad.”

Because of this, the person learned patterns of avoidance, suppression, or overreacting in order to cope. If you repeatedly go to your parents or caregivers for support and they are unsupportive, you learn to change your approach. Humans are smart – we are adaptable and do what we must to survive.

In that sort of environment, it’s difficult to trust your own emotions and to understand boundaries. For example, someone whose feelings were often dismissed as a child might have learned to keep their emotions to themselves or react strongly to get attention. They may struggle to recognize when they are uncomfortable in relationships or have trouble setting and maintaining boundaries because they never had a clear model for how to do so safely. As adults, they might second-guess their own feelings, hesitate to ask for what they need, or swing between overreacting and shutting down.

How to Become Emotionally Mature

Becoming emotionally mature takes effort but it all starts with self-awareness. Because of how they grew up, emotionally immature people are often disconnected from themselves and their emotions. They often don’t know why they are doing what they’re doing or feeling what they’re feeling. Activities to create self-awareness, such as journaling, mindfulness, meditation, and slowing down, help with this. 

Once you’re aware of what you’re thinking and feeling, then you can do something about it, which is where self-regulation comes in. Self-regulation means soothing the self – turning toward you first rather than a person or a substance. This could be via breathing exercises, grounding, and also pausing before acting. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling? What do I need right now?” before responding. This can feel challenging at first and often requires repeated practice, so patience with yourself is key. Setting aside space for a weekly check-in with your partner can also be helpful for processing feelings, clarifying needs, and strengthening understanding.

Also, because emotional immaturity may mean there’s a child inside who is running the show, cultivating emotional maturity means reparenting the inner child. It’s nurturing and validating yourself in ways that were missed in childhood. That can seem like a tall order but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. I have an inner child course that guides you in this process.

Related, identify emotionally mature role models. These are people who handle conflict calmly, communicate their needs clearly, take responsibility for mistakes, and show empathy for others. And if you’re able, test new ways of relating in safe relationships. Safe relationships are those where you feel seen, respected, and supported, and where you can practice being vulnerable without fear of judgment or retaliation. A common space for this to occur is in therapy.

Again, it takes willingness and effort but emotional maturity can be built with awareness, practice, and self-compassion, even if it wasn’t modeled in childhood.

If you’d like support in becoming more emotionally mature, reach out for an appointment.