How to Have Serenity this Holiday Season

By: Dr. Denise Renye

The holidays can be an incredibly stressful time, not only because of travel and logistics, but also due to heightened emotions and nostalgia. Oftentimes, there’s a gap between what you want the holidays to look like and what they actually are like. That can bring up a lot of feelings, and to manage that stress, people may turn to substances such as alcohol, drugs, prescription meds, but also process behaviors such as shopping, gambling, food, social media, attention seeking, and sexual boundary issues.

In 12-step communities, “sobriety” is what everyone is aiming for, but sobriety is not only abstaining from substances. It’s also emotional, mental, and behavioral regulation. Sobriety means self-regulation in healthy ways. It’s the ability to manage your own emotional states, including anxiety, frustration, or withdrawal tendencies. You can read more about self-regulation and how to do it in this blog.     

The holidays can challenge that ability to self-regulate for numerous reasons. Family dynamics can bring old trauma or unresolved conflicts to the surface. Ram Dass, the spiritual teacher, once said, “If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your family.” That’s because family is the ground zero where many wounds originated. You may find yourself regressing to your child self and struggling to assert boundaries, or conversely, meeting situations with more intensity than you’d like.

Holidays also come with pressure around social obligations (“I have to go to so-and-so’s house”), which may create stress and anxiety. You may feel pulled in numerous directions and try to accommodate everyone. Alternatively, you may not have many social obligations and feel lonelier and start comparing yourself to others. It’s all a potent mix and the impulse to do whatever you can to soothe yourself makes sense.

Signs Emotional Sobriety is Strained

If we think of sobriety as healthy self-regulation, here are some signs that emotional sobriety is strained, or in other words, the healthy ways of coping are about to crumble:     

o   Urges to numb, escape, or seek validation through attention.

o   Increased irritability or reactivity.

o   Feeling disconnected from yourself, your values, or your support network.

o   Engaging in sexual or romantic connections to avoid loneliness or emotional discomfort.

o   Seeking attention that does not match your values or long-term goals.

o   Acting impulsively around attraction without reflecting on emotional consequences.

o   Rationalizing behavior, hiding interactions, or feeling guilt or shame afterward.

These reactions are understandable responses shaped by past experiences, and they reflect areas that may need attention or care. Holidays can bring up old  trauma, unprocessed emotions, or attachment wounds, making these patterns more noticeable, but awareness is the first step toward managing them. These are all very real factors that can challenge self-care and emotional regulation. Plus, there may be heightened grief, shame, or feelings of inadequacy. When emotions are heightened, it’s harder for the rational brain to kick in. That’s why it’s important to engage in even more self-care. Self-compassion and self-validation interrupt the destructive cycles you may find yourself drifting toward.

Make Self-Care a Top Priority

There’s a saying: “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” In the context of the holiday season, that means recognizing it will come with higher stress and may dysregulate you. To cope, set boundaries by limiting events, interactions, and communication that feel overwhelming. If you don’t want to attend a certain Friendsgiving, you can say no.

More than setting boundaries, take care of the basics. That means prioritizing rest, sleep, food, and gentle physical activity. If your physical body is out of whack, your mental and emotional bodies will be too. Use grounding rituals such as meditation, journaling, breathwork, somatic practices, or movement. Come back to your body, to the here and now. When you’re able to ground into the present moment and your senses, you may find your choices change. Along those lines, it can be helpful to communicate with supportive friends, groups, therapists, or coaches. They may offer not only a listening ear but a perspective you didn’t consider. If you’re a part of a 12-step community, think about attending more meetings.

Creating serenity for yourself around the holidays includes practicing gratitude to focus on what you can control. It’s also noticing how you have changed, marking that progress and your personal integrity to reinforce your healthy behaviors.

Specific Coping Tools and Strategies

It’s all well and good to say “make self-care a priority,” but what are some practical tools and strategies? In my work as an online sex therapist and depth psychotherapist, this means the following:

·       Create a personal emergency plan for triggers. Identify what, specifically, will trigger you, and then support yourself by calling a friend, stepping outside, or using grounding skills when the trigger appears.

·       Use mindfulness to notice urges without judging yourself. Recognize you’re doing the best you can and that others are also likely dealing with a lot internally.

·       Pause before entering sexual or intimate interactions and ask whether they align with your integrity and needs. It can be tempting to get swept up in the moment but also think about how you’ll feel afterward.

·       Avoid all-or-nothing thinking. It’s not, “I must be perfectly sober or nothing,” it’s, “I can start over at any time. I can always make healthier choices.” A lapse in judgment or behavior does not define you or your recovery.

·       Lean into healthy outlets such as creativity, walking, or phone-free time.

One of the concepts about 12-step programs I appreciate is that recovery and sobriety are a daily practice that is emotional, mental, and physical. That means focusing on today, not yesterday or tomorrow. What actions can you take today, right now, to support your serenity and emotional regulation?

Keep in mind that just as holidays can be challenging, you can also exit the holiday season with an increased sense of emotional resilience and stronger boundaries. You can feel proud of yourself for making it through and even having a fun time with what you do choose to do with your time. The way to create that is by maintaining your self-care practice, paying attention to yourself, and acting in ways that are in integrity with your personal values and long-term goals.

If you’d like help with any of this, reach out for an appointment.