How Technology Can Be an Avoidant Tactic in Romantic Relationships
By Dr. Denise Renye
Technology has become inseparable from daily life. We use it to connect, relax, learn, and even work from anywhere. But in romantic relationships, technology can also serve as a powerful tool of avoidance, pulling us away from intimacy, presence, and the difficult but necessary conversations that foster connection.
Avoidance in the Digital Age
Avoidance is a natural human response when emotions feel overwhelming. In relationships, it might show up as changing the subject, withdrawing into silence, or physically leaving the room. Today, avoidance also looks like scrolling through Instagram during dinner, checking emails in bed, or getting lost in a podcast instead of having a hard conversation.
Technology provides endless opportunities to not feel what is happening in the moment. It can soften discomfort, but it can also numb us from vulnerability and create distance between partners.
Why It Is Hard to Be Present
Presence requires slowing down enough to notice what is happening inside and between you and your partner. That can feel uncomfortable. When conflict arises, when intimacy deepens, or when needs are unmet, being present might stir fear of rejection, shame, or inadequacy. Picking up a phone or turning to a screen can feel safer than leaning into the discomfort of real connection.
But while technology offers temporary relief, it often leaves both partners more disconnected. One person feels unseen while the other avoids what feels too raw or overwhelming. Over time, this pattern can erode trust and intimacy.
Recognizing the Pattern
You might notice technology avoidance in your relationship if:
You or your partner frequently reach for the phone when tension arises.
Conversations about needs or emotions are often interrupted by notifications or screen time.
Physical closeness, such as cuddling before bed, is replaced by scrolling.
Time together feels distracted rather than intentional.
Moving Toward Presence
Breaking this cycle does not mean eliminating technology altogether. It means using it consciously. Some ways couples can shift include:
Create device-free zones. Set aside times or spaces, such as mealtimes or the bedroom, for connection without screens.
Notice the urge to check out. When you reach for your phone in the middle of a conversation, pause. Ask yourself: What am I avoiding right now?
Name the discomfort. Saying, “I feel overwhelmed and want to escape into my phone right now,” is more connecting than disappearing behind a screen.
Practice micro-moments of presence. Simple acts such as making eye contact, putting down the phone, and taking a breath before responding can shift the relational dynamic.
The Gift of Turning Toward Each Other
Technology is not the enemy. But when it becomes a shield from vulnerability, it prevents deeper intimacy from unfolding. Choosing presence, even in small ways, communicates: I am here with you, even when it is hard. Over time, these choices strengthen trust and remind both partners that intimacy is built not on perfection but on willingness to stay present.
If you notice that technology is creating distance in your relationship, you are not alone. These patterns are common and can be shifted with awareness, intention, and support. If you and your partner are ready to explore new ways of being present with each other, consider reaching out for couples counseling or sex therapy. Together we can create space for deeper intimacy, connection, and the kind of relationship where both partners feel seen and valued.