How to Create the Relationship You Want
By: Dr. Denise Renye
Sometimes it may feel that society says here is the “right” way to be in a relationship and here is the “wrong” way. As an online sex therapist, let me assure you that every relationship is unique and shaped by the people involved and the kind of connection they seek. There is no single “right” way to be in a relationship, only what feels right for you.
As a reminder, some relationships are deep and emotionally intimate, while others may be more casual or centered around companionship. Some thrive on passionate physical connection, while others prioritize intellectual or spiritual compatibility. All these types of relationships are fine and valid. And speaking from my expertise as an online sex therapist, the key to creating the relationship you desire is recognizing what you need and want, rather than trying to fit into societal norms or someone else’s expectations.
· Take time to reflect. It may be tempting to enter into a relationship thoughtlessly, but ultimately, you’ll have more success creating the relationship you desire if you slow down and ask what would bring you the most fulfillment. Do you want a committed monogamous partnership, an open relationship, a deep emotional bond, or a connection that prioritizes freedom and independence? You can explore and figure out what you want but it’s important to know you’re in that space. If you swipe right on someone looking for marriage and all you’re available for is something casual, that’s not fair to either of you.
· Acknowledge that different relationships work for different people. Along those same lines of knowing what you want and what someone else wants, keep in mind that what works for one person may not work for another. Not only in terms of emotional and physical intimacy, but in the sense that some people thrive in traditional monogamous partnerships, while others feel more aligned with non-traditional relationship structures. Both are valid. And both need explicit agreements. As an online sex therapist, I offer couples counseling and can support folx in creating these agreements.
· Understand that depth of connection varies. Not all relationships will be deeply emotional or physically intense, and that’s okay. Some connections are built on friendship, shared experiences, or even practical support rather than passion. We understand the depth of connection varies for friendships, but we forget it also varies for romantic relationships. Also, remember that for much of history, relationships were based on property, social status, and arrangements of convenience rather than personal fulfillment.
Marriages were often transactional, designed to secure alliances, consolidate wealth, or continue a lineage. Love and emotional connection were secondary, if considered at all. In many cultures, people had little say in choosing their partners, and relationships were dictated by family, societal norms, or economic necessity. Today, however, relationships can be formed for entirely different reasons – personal growth, emotional intimacy, shared values, or deep connection. With more freedom to choose, individuals can design relationships that align with their unique needs and desires, rather than adhering to outdated structures that no longer serve them. That said, it’s important to remember the following:
· You have the right to choose (including choosing to be alone). A fulfilling life doesn’t require being in a romantic relationship, even though sometimes society says otherwise. Some people find deep joy in friendships, self-exploration, and personal freedom without needing a romantic partner. Similarly, a fulfilling life doesn’t require sex, as asexuals teach us. There are all sorts of ways of being in this world. This leads me to my last point:
· Prioritize what works for you. Ultimately, the most important thing is that your relationship (if you choose to have one) feels good and sustainable for you. It should align with your values, desires, and emotional needs rather than being shaped by external pressures.
By embracing the idea that relationships are customizable and personal, you empower yourself to build a connection (or remain independent) in a way that truly serves you. The key is honesty with yourself and with others so that your relationships are not only fulfilling but also authentic to who you are and what you’re capable of giving. It can be incredibly painful to date someone only to learn you want different things out of the relationship. This isn’t completely preventable but you’re doing yourself and others a favor by getting clear in advance about what you want.
If you’d like support with how to create a relationship you want, as an online sex therapist, I’m here to help. Reach out for an appointment.