Reclaiming Your Sexual Self After Trauma
By: Dr. Denise Renye
As an online sex therapist, people come to me for many reasons. One of them is to heal from sexual trauma. Like all kinds of trauma, sexual trauma is when something happens either once or repeatedly that affects a person’s nervous system to such a degree that it impacts their ability to cope on a physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual level. The event or series of events could affect all of those aspects, just one of them, or a combination.
Ultimately, sexual trauma centers around boundary violations, meaning something happened the person didn’t consent to. There wasn’t an agreement about what they wanted to experience sexually, and instead, they were overpowered in one way or another. And in this age of AI and social media, sexual trauma includes deepfake pornography and sharing nude photographs. Sexual trauma doesn't have to involve physical contact. It can include experiences such as psychological incest, being exposed to explicit materials or pornography without consent, being sexualized during childhood, or betrayal by a trusted spiritual or religious leader.
Much has been written about sexual trauma – how it can cause PTSD and symptoms such as dissociation and hypervigilance. But what I’m more interested in as an online sex therapist is healing, which means reclaiming embodied pleasure and safety. As we know, trauma permeates every aspect of a person's existence. It leaves an indelible mark on their psyche, neurological pathways, and physical well-being. This imprint manifests in various ways and influences thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and even physiological responses.
I support my clients and patients by accompanying them back to safety in an embodied way. I support them in feeling safe in their bones, not just their brains. In this way, they can reclaim pleasure because pleasure is a “here and now” experience. Pleasure involves the senses as it is a sensual experience by its very nature. It is an embodied experience.
When someone is disconnected from their body because being present feels too threatening, they may be unable to access genuine pleasure. They might try. They might go along with something sexual, not because they want to, but as a form of fawning. This is a trauma response rooted in people-pleasing and appeasement. In these moments, they are not experiencing pleasure for themselves. They are prioritizing the other person's needs or comfort over their own sense of safety and desire.
Sexual healing after trauma is complex. There are many twists and turns. It’s not linear. And part of that journey may involve pleasing others rather than yourself. But reclaiming sexual agency can be one of the most powerful experiences of your life after a traumatic event. I see this play out in ethical and consensual fetish and kink because you can actively participate in activities aligned with your desires and boundaries. For instance, if your trauma involved physical abuse and now you’re turned on by impact play with bodily agency, you reclaim autonomy by saying yes or no to the timing and intensity of impact. You are not forced into anything, and this fosters a positive relationship with your body and a sense of ownership and self-empowerment.
Before doing any sort of partnered activity, however, I recommend coming back into your own body. You can start immediately with an embodiment meditation. There are many kinds of embodiment meditation but often they begin with a body scan. You bring awareness to different parts of your body – your toes, your knees, your hips, your stomach – and notice sensations without judgment. You might also notice your breath – where are you breathing? Your chest? Your deep belly? Are the breaths slow and easy or fast and difficult? This is not to bring criticism or judgment, rather observation and awareness.
For a more tailored approach to returning to the body, I recommend psychotherapy together with yoga therapy, which is different than a yoga class. A yoga class is generalized – the goal is to work through a specific sequence. However, yoga therapy focuses on a specific symptom, condition, or ailment with the goal of alleviating it. There’s an assessment process, an intake, and then a yogic intervention plan. This is a way of using yoga for you, your body, and supporting you in feeling safe. And again, safety is a prerequisite for pleasure.
To work through the mental and emotional imprints left behind by trauma, I recommend somatic psychology, which is one of my offerings. Somatic psychology uses body awareness and movement to facilitate healing. Instead of asking, “How did you feel about that?” I might ask, “What’s happening in your body as we talk about that?” or “What are you noticing in your internal experience right now?”
Sexual trauma is painful, disorienting, and heartbreaking but you can reclaim your sense of self, pleasure, and autonomy. You can return to wholeness and joy. And you don’t have to do it alone. If you’d like to explore working together to reclaim your sexual pleasure and autonomy, reach out to me for an appointment.