How Ethical Fetish and Kink Play can Heal Trauma
By: Dr. Denise Renye
Sexuality and its expression are a complex facet of our lives that are intricately linked with emotions, relationships, and past experiences. For those who have undergone trauma, navigating relational and sexual intimacy as well as reestablishing control over their bodies can be a challenging journey.
Trauma is very much a buzzword these days so as a refresher, what I mean when I say “trauma” is anytime a person’s nervous system is overwhelmed and it impacts the person’s ability to cope on a physical as well as emotional/spiritual level. That could be from war, a car accident, abuse (sexual, physical, verbal, financial, emotional, or spiritual), sudden death or experiencing a near-death of your own or someone important to you, miscarriage, repeated childhood neglect, poverty and class differences, racism, etc. This can be a one-time incident or it can be multiple incidents over time. Everyone’s experience is different and if you are concerned you may be living with trauma or PTSD, please seek a professional opinion.
Trauma leaves a lasting impact on a person’s sense of self and affects their mental well-being and intimate connections. There are many ways the body can process trauma and one of them is ethical, consensual fetish and kink play. A fetish is a behavior that someone cannot get sexually aroused without whereas kink is an activity or behavior someone enjoys that goes outside the bounds of “traditional,” or “vanilla” sex. A person may get incredibly turned on by a kink, but not necessarily need it to get off. If they do, it becomes a fetish. Fetishes may be kinks, but not all kinks are fetishes.
As a Bay Area sexologist, I have often witnessed that engaging in fetish or kink play with explicit consent can provide an avenue for healing for the folx I work with. This requires skilled communication with a partner and is often done concurrently in sex therapy, which is not hands-on therapy. Sex therapy is talk therapy. Everyone in the room remains fully clothed, and there is no touching. Also, sex therapy isn’t just about sex – it’s about expression and pleasure and communication.
Exploring sexuality within the context of consensual fetish/kink play can be transformative and empowering for individuals who are seeking to heal from trauma. Central to the healing potential of fetish/kink play is the emphasis on explicit consent. Consent is fundamental in respecting boundaries, creating a safe space for exploration, and empowering survivors to reclaim control over their bodies.
Consent is an ongoing mutual agreement between any two people about what they do or do not want to experience with their person, intellect, or energy. Consent isn’t as simple as “no means no” and “yes means yes” because sometimes the kink involves powerplay and this would just be too oversimplified. Consent evolves over time and is an agreement that is worked out within oneself and then between the self and other(s) on a regular basis. These agreements may shift and change. They require frequent discussion.
In this context, practicing fetish/kink play with integrity necessitates open communication and empathy between partners. Discussing desires, fears, and boundaries fosters a trusting environment, allowing trauma survivors to express themselves without judgment. This shared vulnerability strengthens emotional connections that contribute to the healing process. The trauma survivor needs to know it’s safe for them to relax and a nonjudgmental environment creates that safety.
Engaging in fetish/kink play also provides the trauma survivor with an opportunity to reclaim their autonomy because they can actively participate in activities aligned with their desires and boundaries. For instance, if a person’s trauma involved physical abuse and now they’re turned on by impact play, the trauma survivor reclaims autonomy by saying yes or no to timing and intensity of impact. They are not forced into anything. This fosters a positive relationship with their bodies and a sense of ownership and self-empowerment.
For survivors carrying the weight of trauma, engaging in fetish/kink play with integrity can serve as a cathartic release. That’s because it allows them to explore new aspects of their sexuality within a consensual framework that fosters emotional expression and dismantles emotional barriers. This facilitates movement beyond the constraints imposed by past traumatic experiences and is no small feat!
Again, this sort of healing experience requires explicit consent, communication, empathy, and the intention for the reclamation of autonomy. Also, people are diverse with various experiences and preferences so what works for some may not be suitable for others. That’s why working with a professional sex therapist can be so beneficial because they are able to tailor those experiences to suit the needs of the people they’re working with.
If you’re looking for a Bay Area sex therapist and want to work together for sex therapy, click here. I also offer depth psychotherapy and holistic coaching.