The Importance of Premarital Counseling

By: Dr. Denise Renye

U.S. marriage rates are back to their pre-pandemic levels and divorce rates are down, according to a new U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report. That’s great news and in my opinion as a Bay Area sex therapist, the best way to keep marriage rates up and divorce rates down is to have premarital counseling, which is one of my offerings.

Here’s an excellent video that explains why so many marriages end in divorce and the work it takes to have a successful marriage:

 As a trained Bay Area sexologist and licensed psychologist, my work predominantly focuses on relationships – all relationships. I advocate for premarital counseling because it can help couples prepare for the complexities of marriage. It delves into various aspects of a relationship including communication, conflict resolution, romantic and sexual connection, financial management, and emotional intimacy.

Premarital counseling is particularly valuable as it addresses the multifaceted nature of human sexuality and aims to enhance the emotional and physical aspects of the couple's connection. Some people joke that old married couples never have sex anymore but it only has to be that way if you want it to. Sex in marriages remains important and premarital counseling prepares couples for what to do to continue having healthy, satisfying sex.  

In our time together, the couple openly communicates sexual expectations, desires, and concerns. Many couples enter marriage with unspoken expectations or misunderstandings about their partner's needs and preferences, which can lead to dissatisfaction and potential conflicts. When I work with couples as a Bay Area sex therapist and psychologist, I guide them through discussions on topics such as sexual boundaries, preferences, and fantasies, creating a safe space for them to express themselves without judgment.

It can help to have a neutral third party witness these discussions and create a container for them to occur because sometimes people have judgments about sexual preferences and fantasies. By normalizing that they like what they like and want what they want, the couples I work with feel safe and validated. That’s also because I teach how to talk about these things when I’m not there.

Many people struggle to ask for what they want, or they don’t know how to make a request without it sounding like a demand. That’s when a fight may break out. During premarital counseling, I equip my clients with effective communication skills, enabling them to navigate sensitive subjects with empathy and understanding. This enhanced communication extends beyond the bedroom and positively influences the overall dynamics of the relationship.

As couples learn to communicate openly and honestly about their sexual desires and needs, they are better positioned to build a foundation of trust and intimacy that can significantly contribute to the success of their marriage. In other words, they know they can be honest with one another and that will be met with understanding instead of judgment. The couple starts functioning as a team instead of competitors each trying to get what they want.

This is particularly useful when challenges arise such as discrepancies in libido, sexual history, or cultural or religious influences. As a Bay Area sexologist and psychologist, I often offer guidance on navigating these differences and finding mutually satisfying solutions. By fostering a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives and promoting a non-judgmental atmosphere, premarital counseling helps couples lay the groundwork for a fulfilling and healthy sex life within the context of a committed partnership.

Every premarital counseling session is different because the couples are different, but in general, we will talk about the expectations and goals for premarital counseling and how to meet them. This could be around improving the couple’s communication, resolving conflicts, or better understanding each other’s values. Most premarital counseling spans six to 12 sessions in total. Often there are maintenance sessions monthly or quarterly, as the couple sees fit. Premarital counseling is a short-term structured process designed to prepare couples for the challenges and commitments of marriage through guided discussions, skill-building exercises, and therapeutic interventions.

I then teach my premarital counseling clients how to communicate better via active listening, expressing emotions, and using “I” statements that start with “I think,” or “I feel.” We of course cover conflict resolution and also separately discuss financial planning, which can be a hot-button issue for many couples. I have my clients explore their financial values, discuss budgeting, and savings, and help them develop a plan for managing their finances together.

However, I also work with local referrals, which I offer to clients should they want to delve deeper into an area that would be outside my scope of knowledge. I can provide general guidance about certain topics such as financial planning but for anything more in-depth, I refer out.  

Another plan that we work on is a “relationship toolkit” whereby the couple can navigate the ups and downs of daily life and not only the big moments. This could be ongoing communication strategies and/or methods for maintaining emotional connection. Part of the premarital counseling process includes follow-up and check-ins to assess the couple’s progress, address any issues that emerged, and also reinforce the skills that they learned during our time together. These typically occur on a monthly or quarterly basis as the couple sees fit.         

Premarital counseling serves as a proactive and invaluable investment in the couple’s future offering them the tools to build a strong foundation for a lasting and satisfying marriage. From a Bay Area sexologist’s perspective, addressing sexual aspects within this counseling framework is crucial for fostering communication, understanding, and compatibility in the realm of intimacy, ultimately contributing to the overall well-being of the relationship.

If you’d like to work together for premarital counseling, sex therapy, depth psychotherapy, or holistic coaching, click here. And if you want to get started right away, below you’ll find a few journal prompts.

Journal Prompts

• Reflect on your individual expectations and beliefs about marriage. What values do you bring to the relationship, and how do they align with your partner's? Consider how your upbringing and past experiences may influence your perception of marriage.

• Explore your communication dynamics with your partner. What are your strengths and areas for growth in communicating effectively? Reflect on a recent conflict or disagreement and consider how you could approach it differently using healthier communication strategies.

• Consider your vision for your future together. What goals do you have as a couple, both short-term and long-term? How do you envision navigating challenges and celebrating successes together as you embark on this journey into marriage?

Reference

Tsai, Brian. “Marriages in the U.S. in 2022 Returned to Pre-Pandemic Levels.” NCHS blog. March 15, 2024. https://blogs.cdc.gov/nchs/2024/03/15/7567/

Marin County Sex Therapist