Signs of an Abusive Relationship and How to Get Help
By: Dr. Denise Renye
Something that is prevalent in the world and that I hear about too regularly in my consulting room is emotional as well as psychological intimate partner violence. I’ve been very concerned about the rise in both as the this pandemic has trudged forward. And I’ve also been concerned as we’ve deepened into winter and the holiday season, when people have been spending even more time indoors and with family. The abusive tendencies likely had been there prior to the pandemic (and winter), but since it began and everyone is more likely to be home more often, partner violence has increased. The New York Times reported in May 2020 that domestic violence calls have increased since the start of the pandemic. It’s hard to quantify the amount of emotional and psychological abuse taking place, but it’s likely the rates have also gone up for nonphysical violence.
How am I defining emotional abuse? It’s yelling, putting a partner down (belittling through discounting their words, ideas, and beliefs), commenting on their body, not respecting their boundaries (not hearing their “no”), and saying one thing while doing another. Note: Actions speak louder than words. If someone requests space and time away from engaging in a conversation, or activity, and the other person will not hear the “no” but instead resorts to taunting, pushing harder, making fun of, or even humiliating, this is abuse. Typically, saying “no” should be enough. I was quoted in Allure magazine about this topic. Please read the article to educate yourself on the signs of emotional abuse.
However, if the first “no” is not heard or respected, the person may say something along the lines of, “I have said no once and I understand you’d like to (x,y,z), but I am not available to do (x,y,z) right now.” Saying something calmly, initially, is always ideal, even though that may be so incredibly challenging in the moment. The “heat of the moment” is real and that’s also something abusers get swept away by in the sense that they may use intensity to escalate to more intensity.
Even if an abuser doesn’t hit, slap, or punch their partner when angry, they may express their anger in a violent interpersonal way around and to their partner. For instance, punching walls, slamming doors, or throwing objects. These acts of aggression demonstrate the person doesn’t know how to express their anger in healthy ways. Even the nonphysical acts of violence, such as gaslighting, deception, undermining and lying are forms of abuse. And these often can more easily get swept under the rug and normalized in a home. They have not learned how to communicate effectively, or understood that feeling angry and acting angry are two different things. And while most abusers have been abused themselves, this is never an excuse for abusive behavior. Hurt people do indeed hurt other people (and themselves), but everyone is responsible for their own actions, words, and trauma healing. I want to emphasize that point because oftentimes people who are in relationships with abusers think and feel they can help save (change) the abuser. Everyone is responsible for themselves and their own healing.
The problem with this pandemic is there’s no escape. There’s nowhere to go. Abuse happens most frequently in private and now we’re all spending much more time behind closed doors. That means the “Mr. Hyde” side of a person has more time to come alive and thrive. I also want to note here I’m using “Mr. Hyde” as an archetype, not as a gendered expression. Abuse can come from anyone, not exclusively men.
Along the lines of the “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” archetype is the switch from abusive back to charming and apologetic, which is a key indicator of an abusive relationship. The person may be directly insulting saying things like, “You’re such an idiot,” or “Why are you so pathetic?” but verbal abuse can also be along the lines of telling someone to “shut up.” It can also be nonverbal in terms of giving the silent treatment or pretending not to hear something accurately and making the other person repeat themselves numerous times.
After the initial angry outburst and the schism in the relationship, then the person may try to win their partner back with exaggerated gestures and pleas for forgiveness. For instance, they might buy an extravagant gift to “make up” for their behavior and insist they’ll never become angry again. This is part of the cycle, the cycle of abuse. For a great visual of this cycle, go here.
Another tactic an abuser will use is justifying their abusive actions as being for the good of the relationship, or they’ll say it’s romantic. It’s not uncommon to hear, “I love you so much it makes me crazy,” or “I love you so much, this is why I’m acting this way.” They’ll explain away their actions as part of their passion and romantic feelings, using those characteristics as an excuse for unchecked jealousy and controlling behavior. They might dictate what their partner can and cannot wear because they don’t want them to attract “unwanted attention.” Or conversely, they’ll encourage their partner to dress sexier to impress other people and “show the person off.” Oftentimes a partner of an abuser is considered an extension of the abuser, without agency or independence.
When the abused partner calls out any of these behaviors, instead of owning up to them, an abuser might take the approach of gaslighting and either deny the behaviors outright or pin the blame on the other person. They might say, “You’re too sensitive,” or “You don’t know what you’re talking about. That didn’t happen that way.” The only reality that gets to exist is the abuser’s version of reality. That leaves the abused partner doubting their own reality and sanity, constantly questioning themselves, and undermining their own intuition and inner knowing.
Another tactic other than gaslighting is emotional withholding, which means stonewalling or shutting down nonverbally as a way to control or manipulate the partner or situation. The person may not respond to their partner’s request to talk about situations and events. There is no give and take in abusive relationships. There’s no space for both people to be themselves because instead, the abuser is calling all of the shots, including in the bedroom.
Sex is an important part of many romantic relationships but in abusive relationships, one partner may pressure the other into having sex. Sex drives vacillate depending on various factors, which should be honored within the relationship. Forcing someone to have sex when they don’t want to is abuse. But so is the flipside – deliberately withholding sex or physical intimacy as a form of manipulation or control. Good sex requires communication and mutuality, both of which are absent in abusive relationships. Open communication and mutuality create space for vulnerability and a greater ease in the relationship and the body.
Related to this is men shaming women for their vaginas and vulvas. Gynecologist Dr. Jen Gunter wrote in the New York Times, “[M]y years of listening to secret shame about healthy vaginas and vulvas seems to suggest it is largely, if not entirely, male partners who exploit vaginal and vulvar insecurities as a weapon of emotional abuse and control.”
She goes on to say, “If someone speaks to you about your body with anything but kindness and concern, it is he who has a problem.” And while Gunter used the pronoun “he,” in that quote, again, it’s applicable to not only men (or heterosexual connections and relationships).
It’s difficult to leave an abusive relationship in ordinary times because the tactics used in abusive situations are confusing and disorienting. They leave the abused person questioning reality. Oftentimes, friends of the abused get frustrated because the abuser’s charm and (love bombing) manipulation create a situation of an on again/off again roller coaster dynamic in the relationship. It’s understandable if an abused person feels frozen and unable to act because with this pandemic, what can they do? How can they leave? It can feel very overwhelming and scary. However, there is always help. I recommend reaching out to me or to another therapist for an outside perspective on the relationship.
There are also 24-hour hotlines where someone is always available to talk, for instance, the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or 800-787-3224 (TTY). There’s also Stop Abuse For Everyone (SAFE), which focuses on the needs of straight men, LGBTQIA+ people, teens, and elderly folx who are facing domestic violence.
For those who are more into text, there’s Crisis Text Line, which is a free, confidential resource available 24/7: Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the U.S. and a trained counselor will text with the person about whatever they are going through and if needed, refer the person for further assistance.
Even during a pandemic, there’s help. It is unacceptable for anyone to have to live with abuse, no matter the circumstances.
For ideas and ways to stay connected to and learn more about the unconscious through the body, feel free to stay connected.
To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sexologist), click here.
References
Bosman, Julie. “Domestic Violence Calls Mount as Restrictions Linger: ‘No One Can Leave.’” New York Times. May 15, 2020. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/15/us/domestic-violence-coronavirus.html
Gunter, Dr. Jen. “My Vagina Is Terrific. Your Opinion About It Is Not.” The New York Times. November 16, 2017. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/16/style/my-vagina-is-terrific-your-opinion-about-it-is-not.html?referringSource=articleShare
Saint Thomas, Sophie. “11 Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships That You Should Never Overlook.” Allure Magazine. February 15, 2020. allure.com/story/emotional-abuse-signs-relationship
“The Cycle of Abuse.” Green Haven 4 Help. https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/. Accessed 8-20-2020.