Gone are the days when marriage meant being with someone solely for the sake of fulfilling societal expectations or securing financial stability. Now people seek partners who offer emotional availability, understanding, and support. They desire relationships built on mutual respect, shared values, and a sense of partnership. They want companions who enhance their lives and share their journeys. People want a partner who listens with empathy, communicates openly, and demonstrates emotional maturity. It’s part of the reason I’ve seen an uptick in requests for premarital counseling – modern couples recognize marriage takes effort and they want to enter their marriage with as many tools in their toolbox as possible.
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Our society places a premium on achieving orgasm as the pinnacle of sexual satisfaction so it's easy to lose sight of the many other forms of pleasure that can be found along the way. While orgasms can certainly be a pleasurable and fulfilling part of sex for many people, they are by no means the sole measure of sexual satisfaction, especially when you factor in the issues surrounding orgasms.
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The inner critic is born from unprocessed childhood trauma. If you dig deeper, you’ll likely find the inner critic voice is eerily similar to a parent or guardian, either in words you heard or interpretations through actions they showed. We often internalize those voices and messages that whisper tales of inadequacy and unworthiness. There may have been neglect, rejection, or emotional abuse in childhood and so to deal with the pain, often an inner critic arises that repeats these negative messages in an effort to wound yourself before anyone else has the chance to wound you. On the other hand, the inner critic may say, “If only you did things the right way, everything would be fine.”
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The internet, and people in general, like to speak in absolutes about what people should do. But in my work as a sex therapist, I give space for my clients to figure out what is best for them, whether that’s ending the relationship with the emotionally unavailable person or supporting them as they navigate staying together. However, there are some general guidelines for healing.
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Foreplay, broken down, means an act that occurs prior to some sort of fun or play. The fun, in this case, is assumed to be intercourse. It assumes the fun has not already begun. But if looks and energy are being exchanged and consensual touching is resulting in pleasure, I hold the stance that the fun has certainly gotten underway. Also, foreplay is heteronormative, which probably isn’t a surprise given the role it plays in Wetzel’s study.
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Vibrators can contribute to stress relief, relaxation, and enhanced blood flow, potentially leading to better sexual health. For some people, a vibrator can also help with pain relief, particularly for menstrual cramps or pelvic discomfort. And for people who want to use a vibrator for more than masturbation, it can promote intimacy and communication with a partner. As a Marin County sex therapist, I work with couples around communication and sometimes even how sexual expression could include toys.
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Tantra is a holistic spiritual tradition that explores various practices and philosophies aimed at achieving spiritual awakening and unity with the divine. While it includes aspects related to sexuality in some of its branches, tantra is a much broader and more diverse tradition, encompassing a wide range of practices and beliefs that extend beyond the sexual aspect.
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I am more than happy to consult, of course, but this gap in training on human sexuality can have far-reaching consequences for individuals and couples. They may not receive the specialized support they need to navigate sexual and relational challenges and enhance their sexual health. Addressing sexual concerns requires a nuanced understanding of cultural, psychological, and physiological factors, which a general therapist may not be equipped to handle from the training they received. Consequently, this omission in training is a disservice to patients and hinders their access to the holistic care necessary for a fulfilling and healthy life.
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We all know TV and movies don’t always get it right in terms of their portrayals so how does Sex Education stack up in regards to sex therapy? Is it more fiction than fact? Surprisingly, no. Is it unrealistic that Otis would know so much about sex therapy without going through proper training and certification? Absolutely. As a Bay Area sex therapist and sexologist, I had a rigorous training process – more than 300 hours of additional training and an additional 50 extra hours of supervision on top of my licensure. The things I learned cannot be gleaned by osmosis so in that way, Sex Education is a complete work of fiction.
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If you want a little more structure, I have some journal prompts below. Going through this process of recovering from your holiday travels and time spent with family, remember that transitions can be challenging and it makes sense you’d need a little time and space to work through whatever happened. You don’t have to “soldier on” or “suck it up.” Be with yourself and give yourself what you need, whatever that may be.
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It's also the case that sometimes people want to experiment and that’s fine too! Exploring traditional gender norms or roles in a consensual and respectful manner can just be fun, it doesn’t have to mean anything or signify aligning with any particular political ideology, especially if it’s not a lifestyle choice and instead a sexual experimentation. For some couples, enacting traditional gender roles is a kink, or a type of sexual play that falls outside of “vanilla” sexual intercourse.
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NVC is a method of speaking and listening developed by psychologist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg based on the premise that connection more easily leads to solutions. Oftentimes when people communicate with one another it’s in a binary way: “I’m right, you’re wrong,” or “I’m good and you’re bad.” These ways of thinking often lead to anger and anger can lead to violence if it’s not expressed healthily.
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Under patriarchy, traditional men are given power and it’s taken away from women, nonbinary folx, and “girly” men. Also under patriarchy, the status quo is upheld such that traditional ways of thinking, acting, and being are prized while new ways are not. What this translates to is men who display what are perceived as “feminine” traits like sensitivity, vulnerability, and care are less valued under patriarchy and discriminated against.
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Constant phone use, including scrolling through social media, texting, or even playing mobile games, can lead to a lack of genuine emotional connection. Partners may struggle to engage in meaningful conversations and share their thoughts, dreams, and concerns when one or both individuals are constantly distracted by their devices. The emotional connection that once held the couple together may begin to erode and they may drift further apart.
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When pleasure takes center stage, it becomes a powerful catalyst for self-identified women to reclaim their agency and voice. Prioritizing one's desires not only applies to intimate relationships but extends into the broader sphere of professional life as well. Encouraging women to vocalize their needs and preferences, whether in the bedroom or the boardroom, can be initially challenging, as it challenges longstanding norms and expectations. However, this is precisely the transformation our society needs. By fostering an environment where women feel empowered to speak up and assert themselves, we contribute to a more equitable world where their voices are valued and respected in all aspects of life.
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The journey of breastfeeding, while filled with moments of profound joy, can also present challenges that shake a mother's confidence. Meditation, as exemplified by "Nourishing Flow," offers a healing and empowering solution. It provides a space for mothers to address their concerns, visualize the beauty of the breastfeeding process, and reaffirm their inner strength and wisdom. With this support, as well as therapy, mothers can find comfort and confidence in breastfeeding, fostering a more harmonious and enriching experience for both themselves and their precious babies.
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“We’re tired of asking for a seat at someone else’s table. Because the rhetoric around people of color in psychedelic spaces has mostly been for show. Because the lasting positive impact that these medicines can have on Black communities is not being fully acknowledged. Because the biggest impediment to Black people participating in this work is not seeing Black people participating in this work. Because when Black people win, we all win. Because we will literally change the world once we’re brought back into proper relationship with the plants, animals, compounds, and communities around us.”
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Deepening the understanding the Divine Feminine and how it can offer men a profound opportunity for personal growth and transformation can be a simple (yet not easy) way to life a more full spectrum life. By embracing these qualities and energies, men can develop greater emotional intelligence, balance, and self-acceptance.
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Body worship is a form of sexual play where one partner lavishes praise, attention, and sensual affection upon the other partner's body. It is a practice rooted in the idea that the human body is a work of art, worthy of admiration and celebration. This form of sexual expression transcends the boundaries of societal norms and allows individuals to explore their desires, connect on a deeper level, and foster a sense of intimacy that goes beyond the physical.
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