Somatic Consent: Learning to Feel What You Actually Want

by Dr. Denise Renye

Consent is not only a cognitive process.
It is a felt experience.

Many people believe consent lives in language alone. We ask. We answer. We negotiate. We use the correct words. But for nervous systems shaped by trauma, attachment wounds, fawning, or cultural conditioning around pleasing others, a verbal “yes” can coexist with a somatic “no.”

Somatic consent is the practice of learning to feel what you truly want rather than deciding only from the neck up. It restores sensation, internal clarity, agency, and a sense of safety in the body.

This is not indulgence or self-involvement. It is nervous system literacy and foundational relational health.

What I Hear in the Consulting Room

In my consulting room, I often hear:

• “I say yes because it feels easier than saying no.”

• “I freeze and go along with things even when I do not want them.”

• “I do not know what I want. I only know what the other person wants.”

• “My body shuts down during intimacy and I cannot identify why.”

• “I was taught to be attentive to others. No one ever asked what I needed.”

These are not signs of weakness or dysfunction. They are remnants of survival strategies that once worked.

Trauma is not only what happened. It is also the interruption of self-connection, the severing of access to internal cues, and the belief that safety comes from compliance rather than authenticity.

Somatic consent is the process of restoring the right to feel, choose, and respond from within.

Beyond Words: Consent at the Level of the Nervous System

Words matter. Clear verbal consent protects and clarifies. Yet for many trauma survivors and sensitive nervous systems, the body carries the truth before the mind registers it.

Somatic consent asks:

• What sensations arise when I pause

• Is my body leaning in, pausing, or pulling back

• Do I feel warmth and curiosity, or collapse and holding my breath

• Am I choosing or complying

• Do I feel safe enough to have a preference

When someone says “I do not know,” that is not failure. It is the beginning of repair.

This work often requires slowing down far more than most people are used to. Trauma healing does not accelerate intimacy. It deepens it.

The Pace of the Nervous System

The nervous system has its own tempos.
There is no rush inside the body.

People often override internal signals in order to stay connected. That pattern is understandable and incredibly common. Yet when we override, dissociation or numbness can replace presence.

Safety is not declared. It is felt.

Somatic consent practices build capacity to sense, tolerate, and trust the body again. This creates conditions where sexual connection becomes chosen rather than endured, mutual rather than caretaking, alive rather than performative.

Somatic Consent in Relationships

When couples explore somatic consent in therapy, intimacy shifts from expectation to co-creation.

Partners learn to ask:

• Do you want touch, closeness, or presence right now

• What type of touch feels supportive

• Are you wanting to give or receive

• Do you need space before connection

• Can we honor pauses without taking them personally

This is not mechanical. It is relational attunement.

The erotic system thrives where there is safety, autonomy, and genuine choice. Performative intimacy collapses. Real intimacy emerges.

If You Cannot Feel a Yes Yet

You are not broken.
Many people need practice feeling subtle cues before accessing desire.

Start very small:

• A hand on your heart

• Breath in the belly

• Asking “Do I want this right now” without rushing the answer

Somatic consent is not about speed or certainty. It is about allowing your inner world to matter again.

The Erotic Wisdom of Choice

Sexual agency is not simply the absence of coercion. It is the presence of embodied choice.

The deepest intimacy does not come from pleasing, enduring, or performing. It comes from inhabiting your body, claiming your truth, and saying yes from wholeness.

Somatic consent is an invitation back to yourself.
To your pace.
To your sensation.
To your right to know and honor what you want.

This is the heart of sexual healing.
This is how desire becomes honest and alive again.