Space is Sexy in Relationship
By: Dr. Denise Renye
There’s a saying that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and absence was something in short supply during the height of the pandemic. While at first it may have seemed like a dream come true to spend more time with a romantic partner, that quickly changed and some couples not only got on each other’s nerves, they split.
New York City divorce lawyer Lisa Beth Older told CNBC, “Marital conflicts have definitely been on the rise since the pandemic. I have noticed a rise in the number of clients seeking a divorce. I get three to four inquiries a day for my services, whereas prior to Covid the inquiries were much less.”
She said the increase is due to more couples working from home and being together most of the time and thus no longer able to overlook underlying conflicts and marital issues. Perhaps things that felt small became large once confronted with them day in and day out. Beyond that though, happy romantic relationships need space, as Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel reminds us in Ted Talks and her book Mating in Captivity. Covid has made that clear – space is sexy and what makes relationships flourish.
Wanting space from your partner doesn’t mean the relationship is on the rocks or that your love is dwindling. On the contrary, as I wrote for Good Therapy, taking space simply means you have your own interests to pursue. You are a separate person who chooses daily to be in a relationship and you can value yourself as a person as well as part of a couple, simultaneously.
We see this in the decision more and more couples are taking to sleep separately. One in five couples sleep in separate bedrooms, and almost two-thirds of those who do, do so every night, according to a January 2023 survey of 2,200 Americans conducted by the International Housewares Association for the New York Times.
Sleeping separately helps everyone get a better night’s sleep because they don’t have to contend with snoring, blanket-hogging, or different sleep schedules. Some marriage counselors question the decision, calling it a “pink flag.” They ask whether sleeping separately is indicative of a larger issue and a nonconfrontational way of dealing with it. That may be the case, but I’m a big proponent of couples sleeping separately, even if it’s just once a week because that separation can do wonders for the connection in the relationship. It creates physical space, a little “vacation” from one another, and it provides the opportunity to talk about how you slept and also your dreams. Sharing dreams can be a very intimate activity.
Some therapists also wonder if by not sleeping together, it takes away the easy opportunity for sex and couples could become sexless, defined as having sex together no more than six times a year. Sex remains important for long-term relationships but sleeping separately can create more intentionality regarding sex. Instead of a presumption or a constant question about whether sex will happen, sleeping separately can create an open conversation about it. Both partners are carving out space for sex because they’ve talked about it and agreed upon it in advance (or not).
That communication, or consciousness, if you will, is the cornerstone of a healthy romantic relationship, not a “pink flag.” Relationships can be designed in any way that each party in the relationship agrees upon. Consent is essential in any relationship that hopes to thrive.
Journal Prompts
· When I consider having more space in my relationship, what am I aware of in my body? Is there any constriction that arises? Openness?
· How could my relationship experience spaciousness in a way that would be in service to our connection?
· Body, how much space do you wish to have in this relationship?
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References
Ellyatt, Holly. “Arguing with your partner over Covid? You’re not alone, with the pandemic straining many relationships.” CNBC. January 21, 2022. https://www.cnbc.com/2022/01/21/covid-has-put-pressures-and-strains-on-relationships.html
Kaysen, Ronda. “I Love You, but I Don’t Want to Sleep With You.” The New York Times. February 10, 2023. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/02/10/realestate/couples-separate-bedrooms.html