You are the Most Important Relationship Partner You Will Ever Have

By: Dr. Denise Renye

We, as individuals in society, are deeply conditioned to seek partnership. That’s beautiful when it’s a healthy, authentic, and growth-oriented connection. However, one partner that’s often overlooked is the one who’s with you the longest: yourself. Whether you’re currently in a relationship or marriage, the relationship with yourself is one that you will always have throughout your entire life. This relationship is essential and must be deeply nourished. If not, you may find you’re uncomfortable being alone, or struggle functioning if you’re not in a partnership. This is unfortunately fairly common, but you can start nurturing the relationship with yourself today.

Nurturing a relationship with yourself is more than drinking green juice and getting a massage (although those are great too). It’s also making boundaries around your time.

1.)   Use the word “no”

Everyone does not get access to you all the time. Not your partner, not your parents, not your kids. That may be uncomfortable to hear because perhaps there’s an expectation otherwise. However, saying “no” is a gift to yourself because it means you’re prioritizing you. You’re declaring to yourself, “I matter. I’m valuable.”

Boundaries are also a way of communicating to others what your limits are. It’s better to tell people upfront what you’re capable of rather than bailing on them last minute or letting them down when they were counting on you. Boundary setting makes relationships, in general, less messy and emotionally fraught because it’s clear to both of you what you are capable of. In the relationship with yourself, boundaries may support not only emotional wellness but physical wellness. For instance, going to sleep when you’re tired instead of forcing yourself to stay awake because your partner wants to watch a movie. 

2.)   Know your preferences and voice them

Knowing your preferences and voicing them could mean letting those around you know you don’t like coconut crème pie and prefer lemon bars. You don’t want to eat coconut crème pies for years, smiling politely while holding back your gag reflex. Don’t you deserve better than that? (Yes, you definitely do).

Voicing your preferences could also be about a social situation such as letting people know a picnic is more your speed than bar hopping. You don’t have to say yes to after-work drinks if that’s not your scene. You can witness the feelings that come up when you feel the pressure to go along with the crowd and decide what’s best for you regardless.

There are other, more seemingly high-stakes places to communicate your preferences such as in the bedroom, but there too you matter. You don’t have to suffer through anything to please someone else. Instead of enduring a certain sexual position that causes pain or discomfort just because your partner likes it, you can experience physical intimacy in a way that works for both of you. Furthermore, you never have to go along with sex (in any form) if you don’t want to. Checking in with yourself first is key.

3.)   Build in alone time.  

A crucial part of nurturing the relationship with yourself is building in alone time. A lively social life and a partner (if you have one) take time and immense energy. This can be both enlivening and draining all at once. It’s important to have time in your own energy so you can witness and grow into who you are now and notice who you are becoming. This is in service of really knowing yourself as you evolve. Who you are now and what you enjoy these days may be different than 10 years ago. However, if you don’t stop to check in with yourself, you might not even notice and instead feel a burgeoning sense of unhappiness without understanding why. This could, over time, develop into depression or manifest as anxiety.

There’s also the added benefit that your romantic relationship could improve as well. Nurturing the relationship with yourself may nurture the other relationships in your life because you may be more authentic, which allows for greater connection to the real you. Nurturing the relationship with yourself may also keep you from falling into relationship challenges such as codependence, resentment, and passive aggression because you’re communicating your boundaries.

Spending time with yourself may lead to greater happiness. Just as we make space for romantic relationships, we must also make space for the relationship with ourselves. It takes effort, but it’s worth it.

Dr. Denise Renye is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sexologist, and psychedelic integrationist. She has specialized training and expertise in the areas of sexuality, relationships, states of consciousness, psychedelic integration, and intimacy.

To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sexologist), click here.