Because everyone is so different from one another, sex can look a certain way on the outside and feel differently on the inside for each person. That is why good communication is extremely important, even if the person you’re having sex with is yourself. Doing so will help you build a better relationship with yourself and with others, if you choose to involve them in sex.

Just as the mind and body registers an event (or events) as traumatic, the mind and body can also release those traumatic events. Here are some techniques I’ve found are helpful for releasing trauma from the body:

As a psychologist, I offer depth-oriented psychodynamic therapy, blending psychoanalytic, Jungian, and transpersonal theory. Topics that often come up in sessions with me are sex (and little deaths, or la petite mort), endings or redefining relationship design, and death (physical and/or ego). The type of therapy I practice has an open-ended trajectory that organically comes to a close. It is not time limited, unless I am working as an adjunct with another clinician.

Surrogate partner therapy includes the use of services of a surrogate partner (who works in close consultation with the referred client/patient and the psychologist or psychotherapist who said client/patient is in treatment with) to help the client gain a deeper understanding of themselves and any challenges they are having in their sexual life, which also includes issues related to partnership, relationship, dating, and communication of desires, wants, and needs. Sexual issues are not limited to sex and instead fall into at least five circles of sexuality.

Not everyone will fit in with everyone else because people are different even if they are under a large umbrella together. Pride offers something for everyone! There are parties for gay boys, leather daddies, leather dykes, knitting circles, wellness events, political events, dance parties, and parades. A few years ago, I taught yoga during SF Pride at the Women’s Building in San Francisco. The mind-body events are a very different feel, and while there can definitely be some overlap it can be a different subcommunity than can be found bumpin and grindin at da club, as you can imagine.

We have a systemic problem regarding racism that bleeds through everything from finance to education. Furthermore, sociocultural systems are macrocosms. Those systems are reflective of what we think on a microcosmic, or individual level. Meaning, racism and violence against Black people is a psychological issue. It doesn’t go away with time or because of some law. It requires effort on the part of all of us.

Lying is a tool that can provide relief and space for the person lying. People taking space for themselves is not something that is easily learned or practiced in this culture. Lying is not always wrong and I have no moral judgment about lying because I recognize it has a place and provides valuable information and insight into a person’s internal landscape.

An understanding of boundaries, neither too porous nor too rigid, is at the crux of the experience of codependency. Boundaries, not barriers, are necessary for relationships to be functional for all parties involved. In her newly released book, author Nedra Glover Tawwab, helps to expand this point: “Simply put, relationships without boundaries are dysfunctional, unreasonable, and hard to manage.”

I touched on it last week in a quote by Barbara Walker who wrote in her book The Crone that, “It was the medieval metamorphosis of the wise woman into the witch that changed the word Crone from a compliment to an insult and established the stereotype of malevolent old womanhood that continues to haunt elder women today.” And don’t even get me started on the wretched history of the word witch!

In many of my sessions with patients lately, the topic of anger has been coming up. This feeling is often perceived as a dangerous or “bad” emotion that can harm you and others. Thus, many people are scared of anger and are told to do whatever they can to squash it, to keep it hidden. I see this particularly in women (and folx who fall closer to feminine on the gender expression continuum) because we are instead encouraged to people-please and not rock any boats with anger. We’re encouraged to be “nice,” and anger isn’t a “nice” emotion. Men (and folx who fall closer to masculine on the gender expression continuum) experience the opposite – they are socialized to feel and express anger, but not sadness. (Think of common, old school sayings like “Boys don’t cry” or “Don’t be a sissy.”)

Passing from the phase of the Maiden to Mother is a sacred rite of passage. It includes but isn’t limited to physically birthing a child from one’s body. A woman can also pass into the phase of Motherhood by truly mothering herself, breaking free of childhood patterning or dynamics, or by confidently stepping into her own professionally. The sacred passage from Motherhood to Cronehood may occur when a woman becomes a grandmother, retires from her active profession, or when she transitions through menopause.

When it comes to White supremacist thinking, the questions are similar: “Do I address it directly? Or do I hold the tension of the situation and explore with this patient how they got to this hate-filled othering?” The answer, for me, is first the latter and then the former. And I would not have a session end before I do both.

Yes, our dynamics with others influence sexual energy for sure, but from my perspective it’s yours to unleash, play with, feel, and be. Sexual energy doesn’t live with a partner or lover. It lives within the depths of your being, there to support creation, pleasure, and joy.

From my point of view as a certified sexologist, the institution of religion (very different from spirituality, mind you) is fixated on the topic. The Catholic Church doesn’t teach comprehensive sexuality education and instead advocates abstinence only until marriage, which as we’ve seen over and over doesn’t work. In 2017, Columbia University published two studies on the topic and found “The weight of scientific evidence shows these programs do not help young people delay initiation of sexual intercourse.”

Consent is an ongoing mutual agreement between any two people about what they do or do not want to experience with their person, intellect, or energy. Nor is consent as simple as “no means no” and “yes means yes.” Consent evolves over time. Consent is an agreement that is worked out within oneself and then between the self and other(s). These agreements may shift and change. They require frequent discussion. However, consent is necessary to consider well beyond sex.

Teaching children accurate language increases safety and as those children grow they have more agency over their bodies. This can and does lead to more confidence and safety in intimate situations for adults. When safety and confidence are present, pleasure has the possibility of being more present than the feeling of anxiety. Anxiety and pleasure cannot coexist.

The devaluing and dismissing of women’s expertise ... this is all too common. This doesn’t happen only to women of course, but even dismissing the experience of expressions or values that may be considered more traditionally feminine and dismissing some homosexual men also is related to the denigration of women.

Starting any practice slowly and with intention is important. Begin by setting your alarm for 1 minute and be sure to pay closer attention to detail: choose a pleasant sound for the ending notification, if you can. It can be jarring to your nervous system to hear a loud clanging after such an intimate practice.

Saying goodbye to Trump, or any abusive person, is tricky and very much a mixed bag. Some common responses to ending an abusive relationship are guilt, fear, relief, and uncertainty. Much uncertainty arises around: Will they just leave without creating a traumatic scene? Will they hurt me on the way out?

Interpreting and processing dreams are ways to bring healing into our lives and allow us to make sense of both internal feelings, responses, and sensations as well as external events, interpersonal relationships, and familial patterns that we may be carrying with us for decades.