The 6 Ingredients You Need for a Healthy Romance

By: Dr. Denise Renye

As an online sex therapist and couples therapist, people come to me wanting to improve their romantic relationships. I’ve observed the healthiest couples – the ones who are thriving, happy, and feel secure – share the same characteristics. In addition to my depth-oriented clinical training, I recently completed Level 2 training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, a research-based framework for understanding relational stability and distress. My anecdotal evidence has been corroborated by my colleague, relational psychotherapist and social psychologist Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh.

She analyzed 450 couples across more than 40 countries who had been together anywhere from one year to 40 years. Her research included 180,000 data points and what emerged with all that data were the same traits, over and over again.  

1.)   Attraction. The word “attraction” has numerous connotations, and yes, sexual chemistry is one of them but attraction also goes beyond that. It’s the desire to be around the other person and explore new ways of being with them. Attraction means you enjoy spending time together, that you want to know them and re-know them. It’s not a fleeting sexual desire.

When novelty fades and the rush of chemistry is no longer something to chase, attraction is what remains. Attraction is a daily practice where the couple signals to the other, “I like you.” That could be something as simple as asking questions like, “What did you do today?” or “What are your thoughts on XYZ?” Attraction is something that pulls you toward the other person and it’s well beyond sexual. It’s attentiveness, curiosity, and emotional presence.

2.)   Respect. Respect reflects a high regard for both yourself and your partner. It communicates, in words and behavior, “I matter,” and “you matter.” Walking on eggshells can signal that your own voice doesn’t feel safe to express, which is not respect but fear. Swallowing own needs and desires out of worry about the consequences of speaking up is not respect. In healthy, thriving relationships, partners treat one another with everyday consideration. They greet each other in the morning and say goodnight in the evening. When conversations feel uncomfortable, they strive to stay engaged rather than withdrawing or shutting down.

The flip side of respect is being respectable. By that I mean: Do you live by your own principles, or are you the first person to abandon them when it’s uncomfortable? When you set a boundary, do you uphold it?

For example, saying, “I don’t want to talk about my past relationships,” and then repeatedly bringing up your ex creates confusion and undermines your own limits. When you don’t honor your own boundaries, others learn that they don’t have to either.Self-respect is lived. If you are not respecting yourself, it becomes much harder for others to respect you.

3.)   Trust. In my work as an online sex therapist and couple therapist, I can say without hesitation that trust is foundational. Without it, there’s no solid ground for the relationship to rest on. Trust isn’t merely a word.  It is revealed through behavior.

Trust requires consistency and reliability. It is built and rebuilt through small promises kept over time. Calling when you say you will. Following through on commitments.  Demonstrating that you can be counted on.

Trust is not grand or showy. It is not the expensive apology or extravagant trip. It is showing up for one another when the stakes are small and when they are large. It is not only dropping everything when a parent dies. It is also taking out the trash every week. The small things matter just as much as the big ones. In fact, they are what make the big ones believable.

4.) Holding emotional space. Healthy, thriving couples regularly hold emotional space for one another. They are able to acknowledge and witness their partner’s feelings without becoming overwhelmed or dysregulated by them. This does not mean they are cold or distant. It means they can see and understand their partner’s emotions without overidentifying or escalating alongside them.

There are moments when shared emotions feels bonding: “She said what?  I can’t believe it.” But there are also moments when one person needs to steady the room. If both partners are dysregulated at the same time, no one is anchoring the interactions. Healthy couples move fluidly between roles.  At times, they are the one being comforted. At other times, they are the rock.

5.)   Shared vision. Healthy couples know where they are headed, both individually and together. At minimum, they know where they do not want to end up. Without alignment, time, energy, and resources scatter, and resentment builds quietly.

If one person wants to slow down, stay home more, plant a garden, raise a family, while the other wants to accelerate, travel frequently, and work longer hours, tension is inevitable.

Daily life should function as a shared strategy, not a tug-of-war. Compromise matters. But true compromise requires mutual consent. If one partner agrees merely to avoid conflict, that is not alignment. It is self-abandonment, and it circles back to respect.

6.)   Loving behaviors. It sounds so simple, but in my work as a sex therapist and couple therapist, I see this repeatedly: People do not fall out of love. They fall out of loving. Love is not automatic. It is not guaranteed. And it is not merely a feeling. It is a verb.

Love is expressed through action. It is going out of your way for your partner. Doing something thoughtful without being asked. Choosing kindness when you are tired. Staying engaged when it would be easier to withdraw. Love survives when it is practiced.

Thriving couples express their love through touch, presence, and words. There are also elements of the relationship that are specific and reserved. If someone calls their partner “honey,” that term of endearment is not casually extended to the dog, their neighbor, or the postal carrier.

Healthy, thriving couples feel special and chosen by one another. There’s a sense of exclusivity and a quiet understanding that certain gestures, words, and forms of intimacy are reserved for this bond. 

While this post focuses on romantic relationships, these six ingredients strengthen all relationships. The mechanics may differ. You likely will not have a pet name for your boss.  But the underlying principles remain the same. It requires awareness, discipline, and intention. It is possible.

If you would like support building these capacities in your own relationship, I welcome you to reach out to me for an appointment