How to Support the Immigrants in Your Life
By: Dr. Denise Renye
As a Marin County trauma-informed therapist (and a person), I’m very concerned about what’s happening in immigrant communities. The ICE raids. The deportations. It’s understandable that some of the people we love are making the difficult decision to leave the U.S. because the immigration system is cruel, confusing, and inhumane. If you know someone who is leaving the U.S., they need to be met with care, not challenge.
If you’re not an immigrant yourself, it might be tempting to say in response to the news that the person (or people) you love are moving, “Why would you leave? Don’t run away from your problems. Stay and fight!” But that’s not always an option or desired. Think about it from the immigrant’s perspective – they are harboring constant fear and stress. At any moment, an ICE agent could come to their door and detain them, deport them, separate them from their family, uproot their lives. They’re living with hypervigilance.
Hypervigilance takes a toll on the body. You can’t be present, can’t enjoy all that life has to offer if you’re constantly scanning for threats. If one eye is always on the door, you can’t relax and that’s no way to live. That’s not to say every immigrant feels this way but it’s likely the ones who are leaving do. They aren’t abandoning their lives by leaving the U.S. – they’re protecting their lives and their right to live without fear.
The response to “I’m moving away” is not, “No! Stay! Fight!” it’s “I can only imagine how hard this must be. I’m here to support you.” Support looks different for different people but if you’re interested in supporting an immigrant in your life, here are some options:
· Help with immigration paperwork or appointments
· Research travel or residency options
· Offer safe housing or storage for their belongings
· Check in even if they say, “I’m fine.”
Essentially, you’re letting them know they’re not alone. If you want to support them emotionally, hold their grief with care as leaving the U.S. will likely stir numerous emotions. Deep sadness that they’re leaving behind dreams, friends, community. Maybe there’s some shame like they “failed” or “couldn’t hack it” in the U.S. Remind the immigrants you love that there’s no shame in choosing safety. We all do what we need to do to survive and what that looks like varies from person to person.
Supporting the immigrants you love also means challenging toxic narratives. When you hear other people say things like, “They’re giving up,” “It’s not that bad,” “If they did things legally, this wouldn’t happen,” remind them that they aren’t the ones who are living with the day-to-day reality of being an immigrant. Remind them it’s easier to judge someone when you haven’t walked a mile in their shoes. On the outside, it’s easy to say what people should and shouldn’t do but we can’t control or manage anyone’s lives but our own.
And for some immigrants, the heartbreak isn't in leaving, it's not being able to. Not everyone has the financial means, legal pathways, or family support to relocate or seek safety in another place. Some people are forced to stay in environments that feel increasingly unsafe, constrained by circumstances outside of their control. This, too, brings grief. It is the sorrow of limited options, of watching others leave while feeling stuck.
Staying behind while others leave also may bring fear because the reality of the situation hasn’t changed. The person is still living with hypervigilance. Still struggling to know what to do and when. There’s a lot of uncertainty. If someone you care about is staying not by choice but by necessity, meet that with just as much compassion. Their resilience is not a failure. Their pain still matters.
Instead of offering advice, offer love. Listen without fixing. Be a witness without judgment. Remind the immigrants in your life, “You are loved no matter where you are, no matter what you choose.” Immigration pain is real but you can make it less so by being a safe harbor for the immigrants in your life. And if you’re in a position to offer support in other ways – attending protests, donating money, providing professional services – do so. As for me, I’m here if you want to talk. Schedule an appointment with me if you’d like some therapeutic support.