How Addiction Affects the Inner Child(ren)

By: Dr. Denise Renye

Frequently in our society addiction is considered a dirty word and people are looked down upon for having an addiction. But in my experience working with countless patients, clients, and students, addiction is a coping mechanism someone has developed to deal with trauma, early childhood or otherwise. Yes, there can be some neurochemical things going on, but fundamentally that doesn’t explain why the addiction is present because as we know, just because you have a gene for something doesn’t mean it will be expressed.

If you’re unfamiliar with addiction, it can best be summed up by powerlessness. When someone has an addiction or addictive tendencies, they can’t say no to their drug (or behavior) of choice. There is no such thing as “moderation” and instead, the drug or behavior becomes all-consuming. For instance, whereas some people stop eating when they’re full, for someone who has a food addiction, they eat past the point of fullness and still want more. And typically, they may want foods that lack nutrients the body needs, such as sugar and/or simple carbs.   

If a person is addicted to shopping, they will purchase things they don’t need or can’t afford and potentially veer into financial ruin to buy more stuff. You may be saying, “How can they do that? It doesn’t make any sense!” Exactly. Addiction doesn’t make any sense because it isn’t rational and a person may see the harm the addiction is causing to themselves and others and still be unable to stop. That’s powerlessness.

Why then, does the person continue doing what they’re doing? Because there’s something so uncomfortable about their reality, they think they cannot face it sober. It’s easy to say “feel your feelings” but many people haven’t been taught how to feel their feelings or that it’s safe to feel their feelings. They may have grown up in a household where they were told not to feel (“Stop crying,” “It’s not so bad”). Or whenever they expressed any emotion, they were shamed for it: “Why are you scared?” “You’re too angry, go to your room,” etc.

These messages become ingrained and reinforced but there are still little ones inside that are sad, scared, angry, disappointed, hurt, and more. To avoid parenting these inner children people turn to addiction. They do something to “shut these kids up,” or pretend they don’t exist. A tried-and-true method for doing so is altering consciousness by drinking, smoking, imbibing, eating, shopping, zoning out through video games or TV, sex, doom scrolling. . .but that only works temporarily, which is why people have to start using more of their drug of choice. It takes more to achieve the same “high” as before.

All the while, the inner children inside are waiting, watching, feeling. They long for an inner loving parent that never arrives because many people with addictions don’t know how to be that inner loving parent. They didn’t have good role models for parenting growing up and don’t know what to do with the tender ones inside that are begging for attention, presence, and care.

How does a person with an addiction break free from this cycle? I’ve witnessed over and over again that people often become sober when they learn they can feel their feelings safely. They can bring the feelings out of the shadows and into their body by calling someone who understands, going to therapy, freewriting, using spirituality, or setting a timer to allot how long they’ll let themselves feel.    

This is how reparenting work starts, just acknowledging that you feel a certain way and letting yourself feel it. And from there, people may wish to go deeper and seek out specific inner child healing because there is often much, much more to do.

Journal prompts

·      Am I doing something to turn away from my inner children? If so, what?  And what am I doing right in regards to taking care of my inner child?

·      Consider affirmations or positive self-talk that can foster a sense of unconditional love and acceptance for both your inner child and yourself as the inner parent.

·      Write about specific actions or rituals you can incorporate into your daily life to nurture your inner child. This could include engaging in creative activities, practicing self-care, setting boundaries, or seeking out supportive relationships. Explore how these practices can help you develop a healthier and more nurturing relationship with your inner child.

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