How to Apologize Effectively in 5 Steps
By: Dr. Denise Renye
As much as some folx struggle with perfectionism and want to do everything “right,” it’s inevitable that all of us will make mistakes from time to time. And sometimes that means we’ll hurt the ones we love. It’s not the mistake that matters as much as how it’s handled afterward. By and large, our culture doesn’t teach us how to apologize properly and instead engages in a lot of victim-blaming and blame-shifting. For instance, how often have you heard, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry if I hurt you”? Similarly, saying, “Mistakes were made,” “I was just trying to be helpful,” and more are not apologies.
These non-apologies essentially blame the other person for feeling upset or hurt. There isn’t acknowledgment on the part of the person who did the hurting so they aren’t real apologies. That’s the key, acknowledgment of one’s own actions. The non-apologies are defensive statements that endeavor to get the person who is doing the apologizing “off the hook.” The statements don’t take responsibility for the person’s actions so they aren’t real apologies.
Real apologies take responsibility
If you really want to apologize to someone, you must take responsibility for your actions without defending or deflecting. Remember that you’re apologizing for your part in what happened. You’re not the “loser” in the argument or saying the other person didn’t also contribute to the disagreement. Instead, you’re keeping the focus on yourself without blame-shifting. It can be sooo hard, I know, but without it, your “apology” will fall flat. If you’re riled up or not ready to apologize, that’s fine! Don’t! Go for a walk, talk to a friend. Do what you need to do to put yourself in a state where you’re actually remorseful. Because giving an apology from a genuine heartspace of remorse is very important and different from giving an apology that is half-assed at best and more damaging at worst.
When you’re ready, do some freewriting and try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What might they be feeling or needing? You don’t have to know exactly because you can’t without asking them, but even thinking about the other person’s feelings and needs elicits empathy and puts you in a place where your apology will be more authentic. When you get to that place, do the following:
1. State the exact behavior you regret engaging in. For instance, “I’m sorry I started yelling and talking over you.”
2. Share your understanding of how your behavior may have affected the other person. “I imagine my actions made you feel like I don’t care what you have to say.”
3. Allow the other person to express themselves if they wish without interrupting or defending yourself.
4. Don’t expect them to immediately say, “I forgive you.” How they choose to respond is out of your control. You’re apologizing to express your remorse not be absolved from guilt. Also ask if there’s some way you can make amends, or make things right with the person. They might have suggestions of what would make them feel better.
5. Express how you’ll act moving forward. For example, “In the future, I’ll keep my voice down and allow you space to talk as well.”
When you apologize for words or actions, your relationships may bloom because saying, “I’m sorry” shows you have integrity and are emotionally mature. People are more likely to trust you if they know you’ll apologize for messing up. Being unable to apologize is a red flag. It speaks to a larger problem to watch out for because the person is likely to live from a victim mentality and thus be unable to participate in their lives in a proactive way. In other words, will they always make other people bad and wrong for the problems in their lives?
Journal Prompts:
· Is there someone I need to apologize to? Who?
· What keeps me from offering a genuine apology?
· How is it for me to admit I’ve done something wrong?
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