How to Stay Sane During the Holidays

By: Dr. Denise Renye

This time of year can be tough for many folx. Darkness falls earlier in the evening and the winter blues seem to abound. We’re presented with idealized versions of families on TV and in movies. They’re sitting in front of fires drinking hot cocoa or harmoniously telling jokes at the dinner table. Scrolling through our social media feeds, we may see families wearing matching pajamas or a table set for 10 people. The “comparison game” is strong at the holidays. People are either comparing their lives now to their lives in the past or how their lives stack up against these seemingly flawless images.

Sometimes in the comparison game, you may feel better, more appreciative of what you have, but sometimes you may feel worse if your family isn’t picture perfect or you’re spending the holidays alone, in a way you didn’t anticipate, etc. Comparing and despairing often go hand in hand. In other words, when your insides don’t match society’s outsides, it may bring up numerous feelings: grief and anger, but also joy and relief if you’re celebrating in a way that works for you.

How you feel during the holidays is important information that spotlights what you value. If you’re sad your family fights a lot, that could demonstrate you desire harmony and peace. If you wish you were attending a big holiday gathering, it could mean you want more community or friends. Whatever comes up for you at this time is valuable and not something to be swept under the rug.

Your feelings aren’t coming out of nowhere. Because of the stress and intensity around the holidays, you may find the dial has been turned up on your feelings but they were likely present before the end of the year too. To take our earlier example, maybe you desire harmony, peace, friends, and community in general, not only during the holidays.

The other piece to mention is families can be locked in dysfunctional cycles or trigger you left and right. That’s why spiritual teacher Ram Dass said, “If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your family.” Families are ground zero for everything, positive and negative. It’s where we first learned, practiced, and felt attunement (or not); experienced belonging (or not); and much, much more. Is it any wonder that spending time (or not) with family resurrects all this old patterning?

To stay sane during the holidays, I encourage my patients, clients, and students to continue the practices they have at other times of the year: breathwork, somatic work, yoga nidra, freewriting, getting outside, etc. It may feel tempting to let these practices fall by the wayside, but in times of stress, you need them more. Make sure you prioritize you because you are the most important relationship you’ll ever have.

What would feel nourishing for you? Perhaps it’s staying at a hotel instead of with your family. Maybe it’s enacting a “Secret Santa” system instead of purchasing gifts for every single person on your list. It could be only celebrating Hanukkah with your family for one night instead of all eight. Nourishing yourself could also mean skipping spending hours cooking and baking and instead going out to a restaurant for your holiday meal.

You stay sane through the holidays by doing what’s best for you and acknowledging you will likely disappoint other people. For instance, your family might feel hurt you aren’t staying with them for the holidays, but that’s OK. People pleasing is not a good reason to say yes. Your boundaries still matter, even during the holidays.

Lastly, and this may seem counterintuitive or controversial, but accepting people, places, and situations as they are can bring a lot of peace. I’m not saying to let racist, bigoted, or fat-shaming messages slide, but there’s something to acknowledging, “My family will never look like the ones in Hallmark movies,” that can be freeing. If you accept your friends and family as they are, warts and all, you might find you’re spending more time enjoying what you do have instead of what you don’t.

Journal Prompts

·      What would feel nourishing to me this holiday season? How can I give it to myself?

·      What usually triggers me at this time of year and how can I plan for it?

·      What is my energy level for social time this holiday season? And how can I make space within to tolerate the feelings that may arise if it doesn’t match what my family wants for me?

For more tips on coming home to yourself during the holidays, subscribe to my newsletter.