Are Things Simpler When You’re a Child?
By: Dr. Denise Renye
I frequently hear people exclaim they wish they could be a kid again. They say, “Times were simpler back then, more carefree, easier.” Or they say, “Kids are lucky. They don’t have to deal with adulting.” Childhood is portrayed as a magical time, as if children didn’t have any stressors, worries, or their own challenges. When people say, “Kids have it easy,” do they? Or is that just nostalgia talking? Is it instead that the person is painting a rosy picture while leaving out the less-than-rosy aspects?
What people often forget is it’s hard being a child; there are numerous milestones kids go through before they’re 5 years old. They learn gross motor skills like rolling over and crawling, which is a very big deal. They are going from being immobile, dependent on those around them to do everything, to learning and becoming more independent somatically.
They learn fine motor skills like holding objects, which can be extremely frustrating to go through the process of learning how to be dexterous. And then they learn social skills, and through the learning of social skills so many instances of conditioning arise from how other people want them to be, act and “perform.” In this early childhood time period, language is taught and learned.
When I worked in the field of Early Intervention, there were many concerns from families in all of these areas that created frustration and challenge for all family members. It was common for the family to unconsciously (or consciously) blame the child for the lack of movement at a pace that would be convenient for the family. The brain and body are growing and developing at an incredible speed, which is extremely tough work, but adults can take that for granted because they don’t remember what it was like to go through those milestones.
There’s also a difference between surviving and thriving. To actually thrive requires a lot of space to play and explore. A lot of kids just get by in their growth, without empathy from parents and caregivers. Kids are new to the world and so they’re learning everything. Simple tasks that adults take for granted, like turning on a faucet, kids have to learn.
Not only is there physical and mental growth, but immense emotional growth too. For emotional thriving, kids need support. Ideally, they would have a secure attachment figure, someone who provides a safe physical and emotional environment for interaction. Many kids don’t get this experience in their homes (for whatever reason), which is why therapy can be so effective.
Therapy is often the first time a person has someone they can count on, someone they can express their innermost thoughts to, someone that holds space for feelings, and helps them process feelings without shame, blame, or judgment. Having provided therapy for children and teens for many years, as well as adults, I can vouch that when someone steps into the therapy office it is a vulnerable moment that can produce any inner experience such as grief from never having that type of attunement before to anger, for similar reasons, to finally having a real sense of safety.
Sometimes what happens in families is children feel like they don’t belong. Maybe the kids are spotting that something’s off and they’re being gaslit because the parents or caregivers are trying to deny reality. They would deny reality because they never learned the incredibly intricate skills of how to handle or navigate their internal landscapes. That can contribute to insecure attachment and a struggle to relate emotionally with others. Sometimes it’s that the kids and caregivers don’t really understand each other. Maybe one is creative and the other is not. Or the parent is sensitive and the child isn’t. Maybe the kid is active but the caregiver is passive. Whatever it is, there’s not shared understanding between parent and child and that can be hard.
What can people do about that? They can befriend the inner child, and be the parent they needed growing up. I can offer tips and suggestions, but it’s important you understand healing the inner child is individualized. It must be tailored for you. Also, if you’re thinking wistfully about being a child, maybe your inner child needs more play and fun. Are you bogged down by the realities of life? Could you use more awe and wonder? You can give that to yourself without simultaneously learning how to grip a bottle or move your feet like an actual child. That’s the advantage of doing inner child healing. You have the resources and skills of being an adult and the capacity to parent your little one(s) inside so they can heal in ways they haven’t previously…and thus in ways that you haven’t previously.
In other words, it's never too late to give yourself the childhood you always dreamed of but without all the challenges of developmental milestones.
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